Evil Dead II - Dead By Dawn

Evil Dead II (1987)

Directed by: Sam Raimi 

Starring: Bruce Campbell and 4 other people 

Release date: March 13, 1987

Running time: 84 minutes

Back again in my continuing series of "the most important movies of a particular genre that I've never seen." Up until I started this, I had never seen an entire Evil Dead movie, but sat through that entire piece of shit White Noise where Michael Keaton sees ghosts in video tapes. The first step is admitting you have a problem...

This is the part where I'd normally warn about spoilers, but I think I'm the last person from my generation to watch it, so why bother? Big chinned idiot plays a tape, puts a chainsaw on his hand, kills demons. It's your standard Shakesperean farce. 

Tales from the Crypt - The Switch (Season 2, Episode 2)

The Switch

Season 2 - Episode 2

from Tales from the Crypt #45

Aired April 21, 1990
Directed by Arnold Schwarzenegger

Worst pun: “no pain, no gain.” 

To woo a lovely femme, a wealthy codger trades bodes with a hunk. But there's a switch to The Switch.

Non-Stop (2014) - Taken 2.5

Liam Neeson is Bryan Mills Bill Marks, an ex CIA Agent air marshal on an international flight that gets hijacked. It’s not a madman waving a gun, it’s an anonymous passenger texting Marks, telling him that unless $150 million is placed in an account, someone on the plane will die every 20 minutes. Will he find the terrorist and save his daughter from an Albanian sex trade? 

Tales from the Crypt - Dead Right (Season 2, Episode 1)

Dead Right

Season 2 - Episode 1

from Shock SuspenStories #6

Aired April 21, 1990
Directed by Howard Deutch

Worst pun: “when Charlie got his just desserts…he requested seconds.” 

For the money, honey! A gold digger marries a slob in hopes of gaining an inheritance.

I, Frankenstein - You Either Die a Hero, Or You Live Long Enough to See Yourself Become Frankenstein

Gargoyles, who are actually angels, who transform into humans dressed like they’re from Prince of Persia team up with Frankenstein’s Monster who has super strength, speed, and has been alive for 300 years to stop a Demon Prince from creating an army of the undead using the dead Dr. Frankenstein’s journal. I feel like that sentence and that gif could be the entire review. 

Escape from L.A. - Are You A Bad Enough Dude to Rescue the President (Again)?

Escape from L.A. (1996)

Directed by: John Carpenter

Starring: Kurt Russell, Stacy Keach, Steve Buscemi, Peter Fonda, Georges Corraface

Release date: August 9, 1996

Running time: 101 minutes

I had never seen this movie before. The only things I knew going in were "Snake Plissken" and "surfing." That's it. I had no idea I was going to see a movie from 15 years earlier replayed beat for beat, but with a whole bunch of stupid thrown in. It’s like they dumped the first movie into a blender and poured in some Surge, Blink 182's Cheshire Cat, and a couple episodes of Rocket Power and blended the shit out of them. Funny enough, that combination sounds like the best possible movie. 

This review is spoiler filled so if you haven’t seen it yet…

Watch this movie if: You want to watch Escape from New York with a heavy dose of totally radical 90's 

Spring '14 Super Heroes (and Giant Monsters) - Amazing Spider-Man 2, Godzilla, and X-Men: Days of Future Past

I figured not every single review needed to be 6,000 words filled with gifs and images breaking down every intricacy of the plot. So I'm gonna start doing this on top of the full-length ones. Because I'm determined to give myself more work until I become overwhelmed and have a complete emotional breakdown. 

I saw all of these opening weekend, 1 of them opening night, yet didn’t post anything until right now. Did I wait all this time so I could form a well researched and thought out opinion? No, it’s just fighting off panic attacks from trying to write out 5,000 words about Nic Cage invading Alcatraz was enough on my plate. Am I just now going back to these movies because I'm out of ideas, or because I want a cheap excuse to get an increase in views? Yes.