Swinging Pizzagate - NFL Divisional Round Preview: Undefeated Playoff Quarterback Blake Bortles

The NFL playoffs keep chugga chugga chuggign along. Chris and I split our picks 2-2 last week, meaning both of us got to endure equal punishment. Well, relatively equal. Chris got to watch 2 episodes of Yu-Gi-Oh for the first time, and I was lucky enough to pop my Sonic Underground cherry. It's exactly how it sounds, except messier than normal because of the chili dogs. 

Oh and also we talk about this weekend's games. But mostly children's anime from a decade ago.

Listen to it here

Swinging Pizzagate - NFL Wild Card Weekend Preview: Never Running From A Real Fight

Holy shit, we made it through 2017 and one of the most dire seasons in recent memory. The playoffs are here and that's all that matters. The Bills Mafia are playoff bound, Marvin Lewis got another extension, and it turns out that the joke's on Chris because I actually love Sailor Moon. For once, the weekly bet backfired. I'm going to enjoy it while I can because I can only imagine what fresh hell awaits me next week.

Listen to it here

When Harry Met Sally...Ringing in the New Year by Going Completely Off-Brand

Year of release: 1989
Starring: Billy Crystal, Meg Ryan, Carrie Fisher, Buddy Hackett Bruno Kirby
Writer: Nora Ephron
Director: Rob Reiner
Cinematographer: Barry Sonnenfeld

2018 just has to be the year. I don't know what it'll be the year for, but it oughta be the year for something really special. Anything can happen; we got the Buffalo Bills in the playoffs, we got a failed gameshow host as U.S. President, and I hear tell they might even be bringing back Animaniacs. The human race is precipitously balanced on the edge of a razor blade, or maybe we're skating on thin ice, or perhaps we're dancing a waltz on a powder keg, or we could just be doing none of those extremely stupid, dangerous things and there isn't a superfluous metaphor to apply to society these days, try as we might. Maybe it's because I watched Good Girls Revolt, witnessed talking heads on the news debate whether the United States would turn North Korea into a concrete parking lot or vice versa, and saw the Iranian protests, but it seems like the world is just raring for a revolution of some sort. People sure would like to belong to one. The populace desires change. As usual, I've got just the thing.

Folks, it's time to for us, as a species, to watch more Rob Reiner movies.

Ten Points About Rob Gronkowski

SEASON'S GREETINGS, BRAH

Robert James "Gronk" Gronkowski has officially been suspended one week by the National Football League. Speaking as a die-hard, unapologetic fanboy, I am in favor of this suspension. His hit, which I will not embed in this blog post, was illegal, unnecessary, and totally out of line. That much is not being debated any serious-minded people. Nevertheless, I have been asked my thoughts about this situation by no less than five people since this happened. I've decided to collect my thoughts in this blog post, and will refer to it when the next person asks me if I think the All-Pro tight end ought to be jettisoned into the heart of the sun. What follows are ten points that I think are absolutely and inherently true.

50 Shades of Grey - Whips, Nips, and the Drizzling Shits

I wasn’t planning on writing a review for this shit. Fifty Shades of Grey is two (!) hours and nine (!) minutes long. Dozens of scathing deconstructions already exist, both for the books and the movie. Some of those reviews were written by people with far better knowledge on BDSM and romantic relationships than I. I was just going to get reeeeally high, watch the movie, laugh a lot, and go to bed. It was supposed to be easy. Fun. A lighthearted romp with a movie that grossed 167 million God-Bless-America dollars and received a steady 25% on RottenTomatoes. The leading pair were known to have no chemistry, and supposedly the book author had a total stranglehold on production. It was incidentally nominated for an actual, honest-to-god Academy Award. This should have been great! I love pig slop that’s easy to point and laugh at- that’s why I’m here. Plus, I’d already read the books. And by ‘read the books,’ I mean ‘floated in a pool listening to the audiobook.’ Really, who has time to read actual books nowadays? Not this mess of a human being, that’s for sure.

So here I am, taking deep breaths and readying my brain for the onslaught. These next couple hours surely won’t be intellectually stimulating, but they might at least be pleasantly bad. And hey! I hear people get naked!

The USFL: Three Years, Three Dollars

I'm going to spout off a list of names for you. Ever hear of Tom Brady? Peyton Manning? Jerry Rice? Brett Favre? Barry Sanders? Dick Butkus? Of course you have. You don't need to look them up. You already know them, even if you have only a passing familiarity with the NFL. Every one of those players is either enshrined in the Pro Football Hall of Fame in Canton, Ohio, or will soon be enshrined there. Unfortunately, the commutative principle does not apply here. When you hear about the NFL, you don't think about Joe Montana, Rob Gronkowski, Adam Vinatieri, or Aaron Rodgers. If you're Joe Public, you think about the controversies; you think about the multiple instances of domestic abuse; you think about the epidemic of concussions, the CTE destroying the lives of former players; and you think about players kneeling during the national anthem, and the time-wasting debates over whether this is appropriate. Yes, the NFL is in dire straits right now, and not the good kind like you want. 

It used to be even worse.

Häxan (1922): Häx on, Häx off

Director: Benjamin Christensens
Genre: Documentary/Fantasy/Horror
Year of release: 1922
Country: Swedish/Danish
Runtime: Too damn long

Halloween is right around the corner, and the realization that I haven't published anything on this website is starting to gnaw away at my conscience. Mr. Pataki's been getting me more and more into horror, like an otaku slowing sucking a seemingly normal, slightly impressionable associate into Autonomous Angel Extra-Spicy Neko no Wan Wan Speciale Uber Deus +purasu+: Return of the Kakkoi Knight R2xdomo W. One of the ones he pushed on me some months ago was The VVitch, which I quite liked.