Furious 7 - You Thought This Was Gonna Be A Street Fight?

Furious 7
Directed by: James Wan

Starring: Vin Diesel, Paul Walker, Dwayne Johnson, Michelle Rodriguez, Jordana Brewster, Tyrese Gibson, Chris "Ludacris" Bridges, Kurt Russell, Jason Statham
Release Date: April 3, 2015
Run Time: 137 minutes

Dominic Toretto (Vin Diesel) and his crew thought they had finally left the criminal life behind them, but Fast Six made almost 800 million dollars so come hell, high water, or a star's death halfway through filming, Universal is going to get every red cent they can out of this franchise. This time they’re after Deckard Shaw (Jason Statham), the brother of the forgettable villain from the last movie. There’s also some nonsense about a computer program called God's Eye that can tap into any electronic device and a hacker with a super cool code name. There's also some Somalian warlord who shows up for no reason, Michelle Rodriguez fights another female MMA fighter, Kurt Russell comes in and starts talking about Belgian Ale, and they get chased around Los Angeles by a predator drone. I don't know man, shit. I'd like to see you try to make sense of any of this.

Tales from the Crypt - Three's A Crowd (Season 2, Episode 5)

Three's A Crowd

Season 2 - Episode 5

from Shock SuspenStories #11

Aired May 1, 1990
Directed by David Burton Morris

Worst pun: We've been invited to an anniversary celebration of holy deadlock. To love and to perish. For richer, for horror. In sickness and in stealth. Till death do us part. 

What the fuck does in stealth mean? You ran out of ideas you puppet piece of shit.

Holy deadlock! A hubby turns against his wife and her presumed suitor. But is it all a fatal mistake?

The Guest - What's A Handsome Guy Like You Doing In A Place Like This?

The Guest
Directed by: Adam Wingard
Written by: Simon Barrett 

Starring: Dan Stevens, Maika Monroe
Release Date: September 17, 2014 
Run Time: 100 minutes

David (Dan Stevens) is a gorgeous, beautiful hunk of dudemeat sculpted out of the finest marble by the Gods above. He’s also a soldier returning from active duty and paying a visit to the Peterson family. The Petersons are still grieving over the recent death of their son Caleb, who served alongside David. David is polite. He doesn’t eat or drink much. He rarely sleeps. His sole mission is to help the Petersons with anything they need. Whether it’s helping their son Luke with school bullies or lending his ear to dad as he rants about getting passed up for a promotion, David just wants to make their lives easier. Their daughter Ana begins to suspect David might not really be who he says he is. And then some people wind up dead. 

You're Next - Surprise Crossbows & Home Alone Traps

You're Next
Directed by: Adam Wingard
Written by: Simon Barrett

Starring: Sharni Vinson, A.J. Bowen, Joe Swanberg 

Release Date: August 23, 2013 
Run Time: 94 minutes

The Davison family are having a reunion in their secluded vacation home in the woods to celebrate mom and dad’s 35th wedding anniversary. Mommy and Daddy Davison, their four children and their spouses all gather at the house and tensions immediately boil over. The fighting is cut short when a tumultuous dinner is interrupted by an assault from relentless animal-masked murderers. Overpowered and out of their element at first, the family is surprised to learn that Erin, girlfriend of the fat sheep of the family, Crispian (whose name I refuse to acknowledge as a real name), was trained by her father as a survivalist expert for 15 years and has a series of Kevin McCallister traps for this very occasion.

Dead Snow 2: Red vs Dead - “It’s Satan’s Arm. It’s A Long Story."

Dead Snow 2: Red vs Dead (Død Snø 2)  
Directed by: Tommy Wirkola

Starring: A bunch of Norwegians and Martin Starr

Release Date: February 12, 2014

Run Time: 100 minutes

 

Dead Snow 2 begins with a Friday the 13th-esque recap of the original movie and then picks up immediately where the last one ended, except now everyone magically speaks English. Martin escapes the clutches of the Nazi Zombie Colonel Herzog but gets into a violent car wreck. The doctors who resuscitate him surgically re-attach the arm found in the wreck with him - the arm of Colonel Herzog. Herzog is using his powers to create an army of zombies to carry out Hitler’s orders, so Martin must use the powers that come with his new arm to stop him by creating an army of Russian zombies. Seriously. 

Dead Snow - Are They Nazi Zombies or Zombie Nazis?

 

Dead Snow (Død snø)
Directed by: Tommy Wirkola

Starring: A bunch of Norwegians

Release Date: January 9, 2009

Run Time: 91 minutes

Eight Norwegian med-students take their Easter Break in a cabin in the woods mountains of Finnmark, a place that I absolutely thought was made up because I am an uncultured idiot. There's some drinking, some dudebroing out, some risqué games, two people having sex in an outhouse. You know, vacation, just like Chevy Chase would have wanted it. One night a grizzled old man knocks on their door and calmly explains that a Nazi regimen "inhabited" a nearby village during World War II and there is evil lingering. He leaves, they find a box of Nazi gold, they get attacked by Nazi zombies for an hour. You know, pretty much standard fare. 

The Taking of Deborah Logan - Look Kids, It's A Netflix Horror Movie That Isn't Hot Garbage

Most of the time the Netflix Roulette is a lesson in disappointment and futility. Many times I find myself banging my head against the wall wondering aloud if I'm wasting my time searching for a diamond in the rough that doesn't exist. It exists, and it's The Taking of Deborah Logan