Tales from the Crypt - Lover Come Hack to Me (Season 1, Episode 5)

Lover Come Hack to Me

Season 1 - Episode 5

from Haunt of Fear #19

Aired June 21, 1989
Directed by Tom Holland

Worst pun: "Open her closet door and see if any family secrets fall out. Beware of skeletons...unless they're yours truly." 

Her stocks, bonds, house: Charles loves everything about Peggy and wants to make sure their honeymoon is a night of (murderous) passions. But there's a family secret Peggy never told him...

Tales from the Crypt - Only Sin Deep (Season 1, Episode 4)

Only Sin Deep

Season 1 - Episode 4

from Haunt of Fear #24

Aired June 14, 1989
Directed by Howard Deutch

Worst pun: "Beauty is only sin deep" Yeah I know it's the title, there's not a lot to work with this week. 

A call girl plans to land a rich playboy and pawns her beauty in order to dress to impress. What? She misunderstands the pawnshop's refund offer? Too late to read between the lines (and wrinkles), girlie!

Big Trouble in Little China - Everybody Relax, I'm Here

Big Trouble in Little China (1986)

Directed by: John Carpenter

Starring: Kurt Russell, Kim Cattrall, Dennis Dun, James Hong, Victor Wong

Release date: July 2, 1986

Running time: 99 minutes

Number of "Ancient Chinese secret, huh" jokes in here: 0. I'm pretty proud of myself. 

When it comes to a director-actor pair that made a string of amazing movies that made literally no money, there isn't a better pair than John Carpenter and Kurt Russell. This is one of those movies that's great to use as a barometer for someone's taste. If you watch it and don't enjoy it, you can just delete my number out of your phone because you're essentially dead to me. Life is short, and I won't waste a second on it on someone who doesn't love Jack Burton. 

This review is spoiler filled so if you haven’t seen it yet…

Watch this movie if: You want to see Kurt Russell. That's all I'm putting here. If you don't want to see Kurt Russell then feel free to see yourself out, the door is behind you. 

Tales from the Crypt - Dig That Cat… He's Real Gone (Season 1, Episode 3)

Dig That Cat...He's Real Gone

Season 1 - Episode 3

from Haunt of Fear #21

Aired June 10, 1989
Directed by Richard Donner

Worst pun: Sit down kids, it's a fucking DOOZY: "Dying for Dollars could have been a popular game show. They could have put it in between Wheel of Misfortune and the Newly Dead game. Unless they buried it in the wrong time slot."

Shoot him, drown him, hang him, zap him with a kajillion volts - hey, it's a living. A man who receives a surgical graft of a cat's nine lives becomes a carnival sensation with his dying act. 

Tales from the Crypt - And All Through the House (Season 1, Episode 2)

And All Through the House

Season 1 - Episode 2

from Vault of Horror #35

Aired June 10, 1989

Worst pun: "Be very careful of what you 'ax' for for Christmas. You might just get it."

The holiday chopping season runs late when an axe-toting maniac dressed as Santa makes a Christmas Eve visit to a philandering wife who murdered her hubby. Sorry, lady. He's not offering an escape Claus!

Face/Off - I AM CASTOR TROY

I WANT TO TAKE HIS FACE...OFF

Face/Off (1997)

Directed by: John Woo

Starring: Nicolas Cage, John Travolta 

Release date: June 27, 1997

Running time: 138 minutes

Number of 'Travolta is gay' or Scientology jokes: 0. You should be impressed. 

This is it, the end of the trilogy. If Con Air was the Star Wars of funny accents, Face/Off is the Empire Strikes Back of stupid faces.

This review is spoiler filled so if you haven’t seen it yet…

Watch this movie if: You want to see Nicolas Cage be Nicolas Cage, and then John Travolta be Nicolas Cage. And doves. 

Tales from the Crypt - The Man Who Was Death (Season 1, Episode 1)

The Man Who Was Death

Season 1 - Episode 1

from Crypt of Terror #17

Aired June 10, 1989

Worst pun: "What a re-volting development" or "I'm sure he new knew 'watt' hit him"

A shocking experience! When the death penalty is abolished, a penitentiary executioner turns freelance electrocutioner. But fate may pull a switch on this man who loves to throw the switch.