Tubi Trash: Shark Side of the Moon

 

Shark Side of the Moon is a Tubi Original brought to you by The Asylum. It is of upmost importance to let the gravity of that sentence marinate before you continue reading. A Tubi Original. From The Asylum. There hasn't been a more devastating pairing in entertainment since the Dudley Boyz.

When Harry Met Sally...Ringing in the New Year by Going Completely Off-Brand

Year of release: 1989
Starring: Billy Crystal, Meg Ryan, Carrie Fisher, Buddy Hackett Bruno Kirby
Writer: Nora Ephron
Director: Rob Reiner
Cinematographer: Barry Sonnenfeld

2018 just has to be the year. I don't know what it'll be the year for, but it oughta be the year for something really special. Anything can happen; we got the Buffalo Bills in the playoffs, we got a failed gameshow host as U.S. President, and I hear tell they might even be bringing back Animaniacs. The human race is precipitously balanced on the edge of a razor blade, or maybe we're skating on thin ice, or perhaps we're dancing a waltz on a powder keg, or we could just be doing none of those extremely stupid, dangerous things and there isn't a superfluous metaphor to apply to society these days, try as we might. Maybe it's because I watched Good Girls Revolt, witnessed talking heads on the news debate whether the United States would turn North Korea into a concrete parking lot or vice versa, and saw the Iranian protests, but it seems like the world is just raring for a revolution of some sort. People sure would like to belong to one. The populace desires change. As usual, I've got just the thing.

Folks, it's time to for us, as a species, to watch more Rob Reiner movies.

50 Shades of Grey - Whips, Nips, and the Drizzling Shits

I wasn’t planning on writing a review for this shit. Fifty Shades of Grey is two (!) hours and nine (!) minutes long. Dozens of scathing deconstructions already exist, both for the books and the movie. Some of those reviews were written by people with far better knowledge on BDSM and romantic relationships than I. I was just going to get reeeeally high, watch the movie, laugh a lot, and go to bed. It was supposed to be easy. Fun. A lighthearted romp with a movie that grossed 167 million God-Bless-America dollars and received a steady 25% on RottenTomatoes. The leading pair were known to have no chemistry, and supposedly the book author had a total stranglehold on production. It was incidentally nominated for an actual, honest-to-god Academy Award. This should have been great! I love pig slop that’s easy to point and laugh at- that’s why I’m here. Plus, I’d already read the books. And by ‘read the books,’ I mean ‘floated in a pool listening to the audiobook.’ Really, who has time to read actual books nowadays? Not this mess of a human being, that’s for sure.

So here I am, taking deep breaths and readying my brain for the onslaught. These next couple hours surely won’t be intellectually stimulating, but they might at least be pleasantly bad. And hey! I hear people get naked!

Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers The Movie: Part 4

Film's Climax Produces Insurmountable Mental Breakdown

Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers The Movie: Part 3

Mom so help me God if McDonald's gives me the Rocky toy one more time I will raise Hell of a biblical magnitude in that shithole and that clown won't show his face if he knows what's good for him.

  

Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers The Movie: Part 2

In which I continue to mock this movie for being a cash grab, knowing good and Goddamned well I had every single Happy Meal toy.

Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers The Movie: Part 1

Capitalism at its most radical.

Ghostbusters (2016) - The War on Men Begins with the Desecration of Dan Aykroyd's Ghost Blowjob

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Mortal Kombat - That Sonya Blade Is One Piece of Ace

Actually written by Chris the Intern, I'm an idiot who posted it on the wrong account.

 

                                                                                                              Fan poster: Source

Chris' opinions do not reflect or represent the views of terrible blog dot net. 

God dammit Chris. 

Grumpy Cat's Worst Christmas Ever - Please Let Me Die

kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me

Jack Frost - The Most Important Film Duology Since Drumline

Santa's Slay - The Most Important Wrestler-Dressed-As-Santa-Murdering-People Film of Our Generation

GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLDBERG

Ant-Man - [Insert Penis Joke Here]

Ant-Man

Directed By: Peyton Reed

Starring: Paul Rudd, Michael Douglas, Evangeline Lilly, Corey Stoll

Release Date: July 17, 2015

Run Time: 117 minutes

Maybe we can finally cut this "is this going to be the first terrible Marvel movie?" shit out. 

[50 Shades of Shea] Terminator Genisys - Genesis Spelled with a WHY

Do you think they call it Terminator Mega Dryve in the UK?

Zombeavers - The Angriest Beavers

In World War II, Rick Blaine, exiled American and former freedom fighter, runs the most popular nightspot in town. The cynical lone wolf Blaine comes into the possession of two valuable letters of transit. When Nazi Major Strasser arrives in Casablanc-ah shit, wrong movie.

Furious 7 - You Thought This Was Gonna Be A Street Fight?

Furious 7
Directed by: James Wan

Starring: Vin Diesel, Paul Walker, Dwayne Johnson, Michelle Rodriguez, Jordana Brewster, Tyrese Gibson, Chris "Ludacris" Bridges, Kurt Russell, Jason Statham
Release Date: April 3, 2015
Run Time: 137 minutes

Dominic Toretto (Vin Diesel) and his crew thought they had finally left the criminal life behind them, but Fast Six made almost 800 million dollars so come hell, high water, or a star's death halfway through filming, Universal is going to get every red cent they can out of this franchise. This time they’re after Deckard Shaw (Jason Statham), the brother of the forgettable villain from the last movie. There’s also some nonsense about a computer program called God's Eye that can tap into any electronic device and a hacker with a super cool code name. There's also some Somalian warlord who shows up for no reason, Michelle Rodriguez fights another female MMA fighter, Kurt Russell comes in and starts talking about Belgian Ale, and they get chased around Los Angeles by a predator drone. I don't know man, shit. I'd like to see you try to make sense of any of this.

Dead Snow 2: Red vs Dead - “It’s Satan’s Arm. It’s A Long Story."

Dead Snow 2: Red vs Dead (Død Snø 2)  
Directed by: Tommy Wirkola

Starring: A bunch of Norwegians and Martin Starr

Release Date: February 12, 2014

Run Time: 100 minutes

 

Dead Snow 2 begins with a Friday the 13th-esque recap of the original movie and then picks up immediately where the last one ended, except now everyone magically speaks English. Martin escapes the clutches of the Nazi Zombie Colonel Herzog but gets into a violent car wreck. The doctors who resuscitate him surgically re-attach the arm found in the wreck with him - the arm of Colonel Herzog. Herzog is using his powers to create an army of zombies to carry out Hitler’s orders, so Martin must use the powers that come with his new arm to stop him by creating an army of Russian zombies. Seriously. 

Guardians of the Galaxy - Only 2 Weeks Too Late! (Spoiler Free)

In the 10th installment of Marvel's ever-expanding Cinematic Universe, Peter “Star-Lord” Quill (Chris Pratt) is a “legendary” space outlaw with a cool mask, a cassette deck, and a ship named after Alyssa Milano. He finds the Aether Tesseract Cosmic Cube Orb, and a big scary space man named Ronan the Accuser wants it for ~evil~ because it’ll wipe out the galaxy or whatever. Star-Lord teams up with a rag tag group of people who also hate Ronan and by association, Thanos: Gamora (Zoe Saldana), a giant turtle that is the friend to all children, Drax the Destroyer (Dave Bautista), a prisoner whose wife and daughter were murdered by Ronan, and bounty hunters Rocket (Bradley Cooper) and Chewbacca Groot (Vin Diesel). Like every other Marvel movie, the good guys must get to the magical space thing before the bad guy or everyone is going to die. 

Army of Darkness - Hail to the King, Baby

Army of Darkness (1992)

Directed by: Sam Raimi 

Starring: Bruce Campbell and Bruce Campbell 

Release date: February 19, 1933

Running time: 80 minutes

I tried to go in without thinking about the cult status or all of the hype I've heard about this movie over the years. It's one of those movies where even if you've never seen a single frame of it, it's so ingrained in pop culture that you know everything about it. You know Ash, you know the chainsaw, you know the boomstick, you know "groovy." You know most of the beats without ever even knowing who Bruce Campbell is. I tried to put all that aside and go in fresh. It's impossible to go in completely blind, but I'm only going in with a bit of knowledge about it. Most importantly the fact that it's not called Evil Dead 3 for a reason. I'm hoping it still retains a bit of the horror that made me love Evil Dead 2 so much without going completely over the top, but I get a strong feeling I'm not going to get any of it. 

Evil Dead II - Dead By Dawn

Evil Dead II (1987)

Directed by: Sam Raimi 

Starring: Bruce Campbell and 4 other people 

Release date: March 13, 1987

Running time: 84 minutes

Back again in my continuing series of "the most important movies of a particular genre that I've never seen." Up until I started this, I had never seen an entire Evil Dead movie, but sat through that entire piece of shit White Noise where Michael Keaton sees ghosts in video tapes. The first step is admitting you have a problem...

This is the part where I'd normally warn about spoilers, but I think I'm the last person from my generation to watch it, so why bother? Big chinned idiot plays a tape, puts a chainsaw on his hand, kills demons. It's your standard Shakesperean farce.