Robert the Doll - The Hundred Year Old Haunted Doll

Picture taken by Susan Smith

Good evening, Creeps and Creepettes. Welcome to my haunted library of ghosts, goblins, and squatches. A world of frights and delights; of monsters, ghouls, and dolls that creep and crawl. I'm here to open my grimoire and tell you about urban legends, cryptids, folklore, mythology, and haunted curiosities hidden away in the Warren's Occult Museum. Most importantly, I'm going to tell you which of them I could kill with my bare hands. 

Today's case is Robert the Doll, one of the original 'Haunted Doll' cases in America. Robert is an absolute menace, a straw-filled scoundrel that brings disaster and misfortune to anyone who disrespects him. Nowadays he can be found in a museum in Florida, and he'll stay there if he knows what's good for him.

The Devil Inside

Tired of found footage? Tired of exorcisms? I’ve got just the movie for you. 

The Ritual Review - Stop Going in the Woods

"If a shortcut was a shortcut it wouldn’t be a shortcut, it would be a route."

Goosebumps - The Haunted Mask (Part 1)

The Haunted Mask (Part 1)

Season 1 - Episode 1

from Goosebumps #11

Aired October 27, 1995

Directed by Timothy Bond

Starring a ton of Canadians

Tales from the Crypt - The Thing From the Grave (Season 2, Episode 6)

The Thing From the Grave

Season 2 - Episode 6

from Tales from the Crypt #22

Aired May 8, 1990

Directed by Fred Dekker

Written by Fred Dekker

Worst pun: "Which leaves poor little Stacey fresh out of boyfriends. Oh, well...I'm sure she'll dig one up somewhere."

A jilted Romeo murders his sweetie’s suitors…but maybe there is such a thing as a love that cannot die. 

Kong: Skull Island - Big Dumb Monkey Movies. For Your Health.

Sure, there's a review on here from Chris, but why not read the hot takes from someone who recommended POWER RANGERS? 

Power Rangers - Saban Grabs the Bull by the Horn

One thing remains consistent over time: Saban is all about coulda, not shoulda 

Horror Movies in 2017 - I'm Mad As Hell About Sequels and I'm Gonna Tweet About It

2016 was an amazing year for horror. Not only were low budget, independent studios putting out some of my favorite movies of the year, but even major studios were consistently cranking out some solid scares. I'm still riding high off that sweet, sweet adrenaline rush so I decided to compile a constantly-updating, ever expanding list of big horror releases for this year. 

This will be updated throughout the year because amazing five star movies just appear out of nowhere at a festival in Toronto or Austin or pop up on Netfilx without warning. This will consist of all theatrical releases and then a smattering of notable Netflix/Hulu/Shudder exclusives as well as direct to DVD. I won't do every single one of those because I only have a finite amount of time left in this world. 

X-Men 10: Wolverine 3: Logan

I have been dreaming of this Wolverine since I was a fat little kid watching the 90's cartoon and putting knifes between my fingers like an asshole. As a fat little adult, I can say it was worth the wait. 

Ranking the Comic Book Movies of 2016

2016 has come and gone and somehow by the grace of God we're still alive, even if we're only living in the most literal sense of the word. There were eight comic book movies plopped into theaters last year, squeezing every red cent out of my already empty pockets. Time and time again I left the theater and opened my wallet like a Looney Toon and let the moths fly out. I'm a fat guy on the Internet, so why wouldn't I rate them? That's what I'm here for: to pick apart things that other people love to give myself a sense of purpose. I'm only doing the theatrical releases, so I'm not including the DC animated movies. Why? Because I don't want to.

Funny story, I wrote the intro last and it was only then that I remembered The Killing Joke was in theaters for one night via Fathom Events. Am I going to go back and add it? Nope. There's a review already and spoilers: it fucking sucks. 

So sit back and enjoy this page sponsored by Marvel Studios, the company that pays me to talk about their amazing and ground breaking content. 

Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers The Movie: Part 4

Film's Climax Produces Insurmountable Mental Breakdown

Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers The Movie: Part 3

Mom so help me God if McDonald's gives me the Rocky toy one more time I will raise Hell of a biblical magnitude in that shithole and that clown won't show his face if he knows what's good for him.

  

Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers The Movie: Part 2

In which I continue to mock this movie for being a cash grab, knowing good and Goddamned well I had every single Happy Meal toy.

Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers The Movie: Part 1

Capitalism at its most radical.

Ranking the Marvel Cinematic Universe

The Marvel Cinematic Universe has dug its roots deep into my life and what has blossomed is a reality consumed by bright lights, CGI, and Chris Hemsworth's biceps. I don't live anymore, I merely exist between releases. So here it is, the absolute objective indisputable etched-in-stone ranking of the MCU.

NFL Week 2 Preview - No Officer, I Do Not See How My 'Dak Lives Matter' Shirt is Tasteless

Happy Sunday y’all. We’ve got a day full of exciting, pulse-pounding matchups and also Ravens vs Browns. 

NFL Week 1 Preview - This is the Worst September 11th Ever

Batman: The Killing Joke - One Bad Day

This is it, folks. The whole enchilada. An adaptation of one of the most famous Batman stories in history. The definitive telling of Batman and Joker's rivalry. One bad day. Oh yeah, and also Batgirl has a hole in her spine that only Bruce Wayne can fill. 

Cowboys 2016 Season Preview

Dez Caught It

Green Room - The Feel Bad Movie of the Year

It's Summer time in the city and you know what they say: no shirt, no shoes, no problem. Put down your textbooks and pick up a book and lay down next to the pool. You've earned it. The Sun is shining, you've got a cocktail with a cute little umbrella in it, and your only concern is getting ambushed by a barrage of water balloons. Sun's out, fun's out, and what better way to soak in the good vibes than watching a 90 minute nightmare?