Tubi Trash: Shark Side of the Moon

 

Shark Side of the Moon is a Tubi Original brought to you by The Asylum. It is of upmost importance to let the gravity of that sentence marinate before you continue reading. A Tubi Original. From The Asylum. There hasn't been a more devastating pairing in entertainment since the Dudley Boyz.

Is Shark Side of the Moon a good movie? Of course not. But it does what so many movies with similarly silly titles fail to do: it delivers on its premise. It promises you a movie about sharks on the moon and the movie opens with shark monsters being launched onto the moon. Say what you will, but I've had the rug pulled out from under me by countless clickbait titles. It's nice to watch a shitty movie on purpose and not feel like I was tricked into it. 

There are so many things to discuss when reviewing a movie. The plot, the acting, the script, the cinematography, the setting, the sound design. Those are cool and all, but have you ever seen this before?

A Tubi Original brought to you by The Asylum

The movie, nay, the film opens with hybrid super soldier sharks breaking free from a Russian laboratory and going on a rampage. They did not take kindly to being experiment upon and communicate their dissatisfaction by punching scientists in half. They're basically Shark Mewtwos, but I'm getting ahead of myself. One heroic Ruskie sacrifices himself to save the world by luring them onto a rocket and launching it to The Moon. 

While on the moon, the sharks create an advanced society and plot to return to Earth and take over. For all intents and purposes, it's a colony of Shark Rita Repulsas. They're stuck on The Moon with plans to conquer Earth, but boy are they gonna be surprised when they learn about nukes. Almost as surprised as I was when they started speaking in Russian. Now I know what you're asking yourself: how did they learn to talk? Let me answer your question with another question, Einstein: did you know the lady sharks have tits?

A Tubi Original. Brought to you by The Asylum.

The movie is chock full of these heinous monsters, these dead-eyed aquatic beasts whose very existence defies God. Big beefy shark men with washboard abs and 24 inch pythons, brother. Stacked sharkettes with bangin Double D's: Deep-sea Devastation. And don't even get me started on THE BIG ONE.

I should call her

I'm not gonna punch down on the acting in an Asylum movie. You know exactly what this is, and there's no point in making fun of these people. If you’re watching this movie you already know what you’re in for. These people are trying to get a foot in the door in the entertainment industry with the smallest amount of mandatory weird sex stuff. All they’ll have to show from it is a 20 second clip on their reel of them swinging a harpoon at .25x speed so that the sharks can be super imposed in afterwards. I don't begrudge them or their performances at all because if someone called me today and told me they'd pay me 50 bucks to get killed in Ghost Shark 3, I would quit my job with no notice and fly across the country to do so. This resume isn't gonna build itself.

While Shark Side of the Moon does deliver on its premise, it falls into the same trap of every other Asylum movie: it would be way better if it was 15 minutes long. It starts strong and has unbearably stupid ending. No complaints there, That's exactly what you want from this type of schlock. Unfortunately there are 70 soul sucking minutes between those two points that will triple dog dare you not to look at your phone instead of paying attention. A lot of these movies are made with enthusiasm for the initial idea, the kind of movie that's greenlit with nothing but a title and a tagline. That same enthusiasm fades for both filmmaker and viewer alike when the realization sets in on just how long 90 minutes is. 

Shark Side of the Moon is probably the best scenario for an Asylum movie, so if you're into this garbage (and I know you are) then it's definitely worth a watch. If you're one of the people who left a review saying shit like "it says it's on the dark side of The Moon but there's plenty of light???" please don't watch it and also go fuck yourself. This is the closest I've ever gotten to a Street Sharks movie and I can only hope one day technology takes us far enough to give us Shark Men wearing jeans. Until then, this will have to suffice. A gentleman's one and a half star, don't miss it. 

This Aquabats music video is a Tubi Original brought to you by The Asylum