Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers The Movie: Part 4

Film's Climax Produces Insurmountable Mental Breakdown

This series of posts is a collaborative effort with my dear friend Samurai Karasu over at Ranger Retrospective. Week after week he's gone through episode after episode in a project I can only assume is either catharsis or punishment for a crime in a previous life. He edits every single post of mine, even when he doesn't want to. ESPECIALLY when he doesn't want to. If you didn't catch Part 1, do so here. Wouldn't want you to get lost in the subtle intricacies of this dumb karate movie for idiot babies that I love.

Last time on Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers: The Movie, Tommy and his five friends learned about their animal spirits from the great warrior Dulcea. She equipped them with some new ninjamas, and then returned to her home planet. Then the Ranger Teens fought a big puppet dinosaur skeleton or something. After even more tedious trials, our heroes found the Great Power: their old costumes. Once the Great Power restores their Ranger gear, they soon head back to Earth. Just in time too, because Ivan had used their absence to bring his goals to completion. Ivan's zombified slave parents had finished up preparing the Ectomorphicon machines down at the factory, so Mr. Ooze commanded them to leave his sight and go leap to their deaths at the old quarry. Ivan then supercharged his creations, Hornitor and Scorpitron, and set them loose on Angel Grove. The Rangers arrived just in time to combat these giant monstrosities, and summoned their new toys to even the odds.

Oh sorry were we talking about the Ninjazords? Those fucking 1995 CGI abominations? The things that look like test footage for Beast Wars? Holy guacamole these things look so goddamned terrible. The Ectomorphicons didn't look all that great, but they're a modern art masterpiece compared to these dogshit Ninjazords. This is the big climax that this movie has been building towards. This is what kids in 1995 would see after an hour of waiting. New Zords debuting on the big screen? This is going to be amazing! Oh…they're not guys in big corny-looking suits? They're characters from Reboot? This is what I was supposed to be anticipating? After 60 minutes of the most morphenomenal edging this world has ever seen? What a bunch of absolute hogwash.

And we’ve only just begun.

The Ninjazord fleet fly through the sky as Tommy tells the Rangers they had better board the Zords. I hear the clamoring from my beautiful readers right now. "Mr. Weirdo Who Still Watches Live-Action Cartoons For Babies, how do the people in karate spandex jump into their horrible CGI zoo animals?" Well….look I don't have anything to add. I just wanted to gif this because it looks so ridiculous. I hope you understand.

When did Angel Grove get a Gowings?

The Rangers might be fighting Ivan's machines, but what about all of the hypnotized parents that Ivan sent to commit suicide? Yeah, we're still supposed to care about that I guess. Well you know who doesn't care about the impending death of the adults in Angel Grove? Their shitty little children. As well as the shitty little child writing this.

All of the snot-nosed kids who got some of Ivan's fuchsia-colored fuck goop are partying since their parents have been turned into construction zombies. Makes perfect sense to me. The first thing that I'd do if my mom and dad went missing is go hang out with my broskis in some outdoor Australian café and dump jars of purple trouser gravy into a blender.

Don't worry about calling the cops everyone, cause tonight we're gonna party like it's 1995. WOO! Crank up the Jock Jams and pass the Surge. Put on your Big Dogs shirts because we're gonna play some NBA Jam and it's about to get ruff on the b-ball court. No Utah Jazz, no parents, all action.

Let me clarify that I'm not making a joke when I mentioned that this "party" consists of a bunch of kids dumping out ooze containers. Wow what a great time. A bunch of pre-teen extras covered in purple snot. It's the 90's motherfucker, and I don't see one kick-flippin pizza at this entire party.  The only food I see at this gathering is a tiny bowl of popcorn and a single can of 7-up held by Bulk.

Wait what? Bulk's still in this movie? I assumed he and Skull both realized what a shitshow this whole thing was and flew back to America. So that's where they've been for the last hour of this goddamned movie? Partying with a bunch of Australian children? How in the name of all that's good and holy in this horrible world do you squander two of the only decent things your show has by shoving them off-camera for 90% of your movie? Then they show up when the movie's got another 10 minutes left coated in purple sperm and you expect me to swallow it up like a load of Ivan's ooze?

Well I'm not the only one who's had enough of this bullshit party, because Fred shows up and gets the attention of the partying kids. Fred chastises his peers for enjoying themselves and having a good time, because that's what this movie was about? Respecting your parents? Oh suck a dick on Christmas I'm not putting up with this shit. None of these scenes are cohesive enough to even pretend there's a point to this. This is nothing but stitched-together b-roll we can use to pretend our movie has a plot. Fred spent the entire opening scene making fun of what a limp-dicked pussy his father is and now you want me to care about his dad's impending death?

Shouldn't this scene be building up to Fred realizing what a terrible punk he's been to his Australian dad? Or maybe there could have been scenes earlier where the kids were acting like little shits to their parents. There's no connecting thread to make any of this horrible Z-plot resonate with anyone watching. I came to this movie for karate kicks and ninja robots, if you're going to give me anything else then you had better make damn sure it makes sense. Or at the very least you can have someone fall into a comically-large pie.

Fred informs the crowd that Ivan has brainwashed all of them, and he's using them all to further his evil schemes. Two statements that might have been true in a previous draft of this script, but clearly none of that made it to film. Oh well, we'll fix it in editing. What? You didn't hire an editor? Ah fuck it, just stitch in some reaction shots of Tommy and call it a day.

A red-blooded American child asks Fred "WUDAYOU TAWKIN ABOWT DEA? GET FUCKED YA CUNT." Fred responds that their parents are going to die if the kids don't come up with some dumbass scheme to pad out the last 20 minutes of this movie to make them even more insufferable. Don't you beautiful readers out there love it so much when a film that's packed to the brim with action feels the need to shoehorn in a bunch of ankle-biting twerps? You want a reason I can't watch Gamera movies? Shrill kids in short pants bossing everybody around. Thanks for nothing Japan.

So anyway, where were we? Oh right. Those dreadful CGI abominations were fighting each other. It's like the end of every Marvel movie, only with more clearly-defined villains. Also we get to see the Frog Ninjazord use its tongue on Scorpitron.

He's frogtied!

Scorpitron blasts the Frogzord with lasers, and Adam panics that his lame robo-toad can't do anything against an ancient death machine. Billy contacts Adam and lets him know that he'll provide some backup so long as the CGI budget doesn't run out before he gets there. The Wolfzord rushes into battle and chomps on Scorpy's tail. At some point during this fight, Tommy uses the Falconzord to launch some wingtip rockets at Scorpitron. Only problem is they miss the machine completely, because Tommy is a bungling dipshit who can't go one scene without diverting attention away from everyone else.

Aisha uses her Bearzord against Hornitor, and she spits a wry quip at the creature before it instantly blasts her Zord into a building. I'm almost positive this wasn't done in an attempt to be funny, but I'll be damned if I didn't burst into giggles when it happened. Aisha tries to be super cool and tough, but she's immediately turned into a jabroni when a robotic bee fires a dinky little laser beam at her.

Oh yeah, and you know those cool medallions that the Ranger's movie suits have? Well apparently they aren't on those costumes very tight.

QUICK! SOMEONE REPORT THIS TO THE IMDB GOOFS SQUAD

While Aisha gets flung to and fro, Rocky launches an assault on Hornitor with the Apezord. The Ninjazord jumps onto Hornitor's back and starts tussling with the Ectomorphicon. In case you didn't get enough obnoxious "YEE-HAWS!" with Adam lassoing Scorpitron, then I hope you're ready for Rocky to say the exact same "RIDE 'EM COWBOY!" kind of shit. If you're airing this film in theaters, it might behoove you to not have two different characters say the same basic joke within a minute and a half of each other. But what do I know? I'm not the one who made a movie where the costumes were visibly falling apart on-camera.

The deplorable attempt at an action sequence is briefly put on hiatus so we can learn that Fred has successfully convinced all of Angel Grove's lowlife preteens to follow him and save the town's parents. Bulk and Skull follow along, because Saban paid for their plane tickets to Australia and he'll be goddamned if they don't earn their keep around here.

"I DIDN'T BUY THE RETURN TICKET YET ASSHOLES. EITHER SMILE BIG FOR THE CAMERA OR YOU CAN SWIM HOME!"

Fred and the kids board the town monorail. Oh man, this must be that same monorail that put Brockway, Ogdenville, and North Haverbrook on the map! I'm not particularly sure how a small group of children is able to effortlessly conduct a large vehicle, but we need to give that Fred kid absolutely anything to do in this movie. Aside from wear his hat backwards while his father puts his fingers in a jar of intergalactic dick barf.

Kimberly flies her Cranezord through the sky and targets Ivan's location. While she flies towards him, Ivan comments "Here comes that cute little Pink Ranger." Goldar, without missing a beat, responds to his statement. "Oh, you think she's cute too huh?"

Judge me if you must, but I'll be fucked if that isn't one of my favorite lines in this dumpster of a movie. It's a quick, simple, nice little gag, but I love it. Almost as good is when Ivan reacts to Goldar by giving him a beautiful look of "what the fuck did you just say you godless abomination?" No matter how many people in the audience are miserable, at least Paul Freeman is having a good time. No matter how ludicrous the material is, he's able to elevate it just enough to allow me to enjoy myself when he's on-screen.

Oh sorry, I was enjoying myself. Back to this absolute pigsty of a Zord battle.

During the struggle with the Wolfzord and Scorpitron, Ivan's mech gets its tail cut off. How? I don't know, and I'll commit seppuku before I go back and check. Even if I tried to, I'd have to look at these CGI monstrosities and glean what's happening with them. I know people complain about the Michael Bay Transformers movies, particularly how they look like nothing but a bunch of CGI hunks of silver and grey metal punching each other. While I'm not trying to defend that, I'd at least like anyone who hates them to watch this fight and understand how far we've come as a society. At least those robots don't move around like Harryhausen skeletons. At least they don't make some inexplicable gulping noise every couple of minutes like Scorpitron does. At least none of them are gushing ooze out of their broken limbs.

At least I don't think any of that happens, I haven't seen any of the Transformers movies. Sorry Mike, but call me when you put an Indiana Jones villain in a purple robe and give him snot soldiers.

So now that Scorpitron is crippled, you would expect Adam to finish the fight by using the Frogzord to do something. Y'know, since Adam has been fighting the machine ever since he boarded his Zord. Also because Adam's disappointment over his animal spirit could lead to a nice and cathartic moment where he gets to finish the fight with one of Ivan's creatures.

Or Tommy could unceremoniously blow it up with rockets.

Thanks for absolutely nothing you fucking trash-ass movie.

Now that Scorpitron has been murdered, the Rangers group their Ninjazords together to gang up on Hornitor. Ivan doesn't take this failure in stride though, as he decides it's about time to take matters into his own hands. How? Quite simple. By making me puke.

Does Paul Freeman always look like Freddy Krueger or is it just in this movie?

Oh my sweet merciful Christ what is this? Look at that face. Look at that monster. LOOK AT IT! I made a joke about Beast Wars earlier, but that show looks like The Incredibles compared to this catastrophe. What jackass greenlit this abomination? Why is this on my screen? Why am I still watching this godforsaken movie?

Hornitivan proclaims that he feels big again, and starts smashing the town around him. He then complains that the limited animation budget leave him unable to express any particular emotion, so he's stuck with the same stupid look on his face in all these scenes where he's supposed to look bemused. Ivan snags a giant lamppost and uses his hornet claws to give it a bris so he can use it like a sword. Well thanks Power Rangers: The Movie, I was definitely on board with the giant snot demon possessing his wasp robot, but if he magically made a sword appear then you would have totally lost me. 

While Ivan rampages, his giant CGI foot smashes through the monorail track that Fred and company are headed down. Oh no! Now what's going to happen to the chilzzzzzzzz.

The Rangers initiate the Ninja Megazord sequence in order to combat Ivan, but Tommy lets them go ahead without him so he can rescue those kids and remind everyone at home why he's the one with the coolest toys. The movie version of the Power Rangers theme swells as the five core Ninjazords combine with one another to form the unstoppable Ninja Megazord. And you know what? I'm not even going to pretend to be excited for the Ninja Megazord. No matter how good the music is, I can guarantee all we're going to see is another CGI shitshow. I'm not falling for it again. Fool me 85 minutes, shame on you. Fool me 110 minutes…Why the fuck did I buy this DVD?

My eyes just vomited.

The Ninja Megazord whips out a fish-hilted sword in order to combat Ivan. A fish-hilted sword that will make zero sense belonging to this set of Zords, but we'll discuss that later. The two nightmarish computer-generated abominations clash with one another, and it doesn't take long for Ivan to demolish the Ninja Megazord's sword. At least we're informed that he does, because it would cost way too much money to actually show that happening.

Next we join our buddy Tommy flying high in…Look. I'm not going to waste my time writing about it, or your time reading about it. Tommy flies the Falconzord onto the broken piece of monorail tracks, and allows the car to pass over his Zord's back unharmed. Do you give a shit about this? Do you care if Fred and the children of Angel Grove die? Why? Who are any of them? Who are their parents? Are they the ones that are eating up time like pigs at the trough because this movie couldn't be 90 minutes of Ivan Ooze talking sass? Man...that actually sounds like a 5 star movie right there. And you've got good old Freddy two-takes hogging screen time to thank for this movie not indulging us in all of the oozy pleasures we would enjoy most.

Speaking of Ivan, he just threw the Ninja Megazord through a building. And the moment where the Ninja Megazord hits the building actually sort of works for me. Why? Because it's not some hideous 1995 screensaver spewing glass everywhere. It's an actual model being thrown through the building set. I'm not saying it looks great, but I'm seeing something that's real. A scene that has something physically happening in it. Not two big cartoons slowly hitting each other with dildos.

I'll bet every cent I own that's an actual toy being thrown through that glass.

With their Megazord in shambles, Kimberly demands that Tommy get his butt down there right this instant. Which is the Power Rangers equivalent of saying "Come here and bail us out this instant you panoramic fuck-up." Just in case anyone stopped paying attention to this movie (rightfully), Tommy is being begged to help his teammates after single-handedly rescuing a train full of children and being the world's coolest superhero in stores now. I don't know how he did it, but Jason David Frank got this franchise wrapped around his little finger.

Tommy lands his Falconzord on the back of the Ninja Megazord, and the Ninja Falcon Megazord is formed! You in the market for Zords? Because I got one word for you. Ninjafalconmegazord.

The Ninja Mega Battle Ultra Falcon Mode in Zord Fighting uses its flight ability to soar into the sky as the Rangers goad Hornitivan into space. Once the two character models from Toy Story are in the cosmos, Billy comes up with a brilliant idea to get rid of Ooze. No, it's not with cool karate and awesome battle techniques. They're going to lure him into Ryan's Comet. Ryan's what now? Since when was there a Comet in this movie? You must be thinking of another property because-oh hold on a second. I'm getting a call.

Yes? Oh hello me from four weeks ago, how are you? Oh…they mentioned it in the first five minutes of the movie? And this is them paying it off? Jesus Christ. Hey me from 4 weeks ago could you do me a favor? Please choke yourself to death so that I don't have to finish watching this dumbass movie.

Wait hold on, let's not forget about the little B-plot that couldn't. Fred and the kids of Angel Grove have to save their parents!  The wandering zombified parents come quite close to the edge of the quarry like pigs to the slaughter. The lemming parents plan to leap from the cliff and escape from this godforsaken franchise forever. A fate I'd like to share with them. When Fred looks at the bottom of the quarry, he notices a few construction trucks and concocts a plan. He tells the other children to hold off the parents and instructs Bulk and Skull to follow him. Kid, if this plan doesn't involve falling into a cake then you're barking up the wrong tree.

The Angel Grove kids all desperately try to hold back their parents, but they're unable to impede the stampede. The marching parents get closer and closer to the edge of the cliff, and all hope seems lost. Just as the kids are about to go careening off of the cliff, Fred pilots a massive power hose to blast the zombie parents away from the quarry's cliff. So why did he need Bulk and Skull's help. Because they turned on the hose or something? Is that why they were in this movie? To spray water at people? This is somehow more embarrassing than what they do on the actual show. Even when they get stuck inside of an outhouse together. Maybe you two could have stayed back in America. P.U.

The Ninja Megazord and Hornitivan fly through space and pass by Rita and Zedd's compound. Remember them? The characters that you kids might have been entertained by on the television show this film was based on? Yeah well they're caught inside of a snowglobe. Kick rocks kids.

WELCOME TO PRIMETIME, BITCH

The Rita and Zedd snowglobe witnesses the battle between Ooze and the Rangers and begin to cheer for the Power Rangers to finish off Ivan Ooze, and for some reason I remember thinking this moment was really cool when I was a kid. "What?! Zedd and Rita SUPPORTING the Rangers? This movie is TOPSY TURVY!!!" In hindsight, I don't know exactly why I thought that. Maybe it's because I was a stupid kid who was trying to escape the horrific CGI hellscape that this movie was subjecting me to, and I really missed Lord Zedd. 

The Ninja Falcon Megazord flies into position and allows Hornitivan to fly directly at them. The impact of his attack knocks the Rangers around and causes the Megazord cockpit to spew sparks, and go flying through space. Hornitivan uses his claws to grip the Megazord in a bear hug as he cackles at their plight. Rocky notes that both they and Ivan are currently headed for the Comet's trajectory, and our Rangers realize they're about to become atomized. What can they do?! 

HEY I KNOW HOW TO END THE MOVIE! LET ME GET OUT OF THE BIG ROBOT BOY AND DO A BIG PUNCH AND EVEN MAYBE A BOOM POW KICK ON THE PURPLE MAN AND THEN HE DOES A DYING AND EVERYONE CHEERS! YAY TOMMY!

Jason, you're truly a visionary. Nothing we do could ever compare to the brilliance you concoct.

NO! ENOUGH! NOT THIS TIME!

Oh Jesus, Karan what's the problem now? You still upset we didn't glue your medallion onto the Yellow Ranger costume?

I HAVE SPENT THIS ENTIRE MOVIE RUNNING AWAY FROM PURPLE HOBGOBLINS, GETTING ATTACKED BY DINOSAUR BONES, GETTING THROWN AROUND BY SCORPION ROBOTS, AND I'LL BE FUCKED IF YOU DON'T LET ME DO ONE GODDAMNED THING THAT'S WORTH DOING! I'VE SPENT THE ENTIRETY OF SEASON 2 STANDING IN THE BACKGROUND LIKE A MANNEQUIN AND IF YOU DON’T GIVE ME AN OPPORTUNITY TO DO ONE THING IN THIS MOVIE, THEN I'M GONNA USE THE POWER OF THE BEAR TO RIP YOUR FUCKING THROATS OUT!

Please show this .gif to someone who doesn't know what this franchise is. Then watch as they cut all ties with you.

With Ivan's dick thoroughly kicked, his floating body is put directly into the path of Ryan's Comet. Ooze offers a solemn "oh no" before his body is blown to pieces. Now if you'll be so kind. I think I'm going to pump the brakes to elaborate on what just happened. Ivan Ooze, the intergalactic slime Hitler, recently fused with a CGI bee creature and flew out into space. Upon doing so, he was stopped by a massive chimera robot kneeing him square in the nertz. Then he was sent careening into the path of a fucking comet. No matter how crazy this franchise gets, it always manages to one-up itself.

With Ivan defeated, all of the Angel Grove parents snap back to their senses. Now we've all learned a lesson about respecting our parents and not buying fuck toys from mysterious purple wizards. The scene ends with an almost humorous moment when Bulk goes in to give Skull a congratulatory hug, but Skull stops him and requests a handshake. Maybe I would find this funnier if I wasn't so burned out on this movie, but maybe it's not that amusing. Who knows? Who cares? I miss Ivan already.

Speaking of hugs, Fred locates his dad and rushes towards him. The two embrace in a loving hug as Fred Sr. informs his son "COR BLIMEY OI MISSED YA YUH L'IL CUNT!"  In all honesty, the scene of Bulk and Skull repressing their homosexuality had more emotional resonance to me than this pig slop did. What a bunch of hooey. Some kid we're never going to see again and his Aussie dad are safe and now Fred can go on to humiliate him for another day. I hope they both skydive into an active volcano.

Now that the Rangers have completed their mission, they head back to the Command Center to celebrate a job well done. Well they would, but Zordon died while they were off dicking around on Phaedos. Whoops! Guess we shouldn't have wasted time playing with that dinosaur and making timely Jurassic Park references while our mentor was slowly wasting away.

The Ranger Teens come to the stark realization that the giant head who's imprisoned them into a life of episodic karate misadventures has finally died, and they are inexplicably saddened by this. Their actors try their damndest to feign sadness, and Kimberly comes the closest to looking like she has a genuine emotion on her face. Billy almost pulls it off, and Aisha is nearly there. Tommy, however, looks like he just learned that kids in Africa don't know what karate is. Whereas Rocky and Adam look like they didn't realize they were on-camera. Actually they probably have the most realistic reactions of the bunch. They're nonchalant that some interdimensional dickhead will never be able to push them around again.

This moment of forced sentimentality gets Tommy to ask the Rangers if they remember what they learned on Phaedos. Not as a rhetorical question, but because he genuinely forgot. He's then reminded that those who possess the Great Power can apparently make anything happen. Which evidently means that the Power Rangers can now raise the fucking dead.

Maybe I'm digging too deep into this franchise, which should be my tagline at this point, but the ethical implications of this are staggering. Who's to say that Zordon should be saved anyway? And is this film trying to state that because the Power Rangers beat up a bunch of golems on a mystical planet, now they have the right to decide who lives and who dies? More than that, isn't this necromancy ability a little far from being able to pilot a giant frog robot? To those who possess the Great Power, you can ride a big bear machine, kick an ooze bee in his nads, and reverse the natural order of life and death.

So whatever, the Ranger Deities hold hands and a bunch of magical sparkles fly around that restore the Command Center to normal. Zordon's tube emerges and he turns into a nightmare-inducing head blob once more. The all-knowing bag of protoplasm thanks them for utilizing their deus ex machina powers to bring him back to his reign of intergalactic tyranny, and the Rangers hold back tears upon seeing his horrific visage once more. Well after that emotional reunion, what else could we transition to?

A big ass fireworks display, complete with Snap's "I Got the Power" playing. Because it was the 90's and don't you forget it.

The best part about this inexplicable celebration, is just how lazily it's explained. There's a giant banner in frame that says "Celebration Tonight." Why? Because um…well there was…a comet blew up. I don't know. Who cares. We found this banner in the dumpster outside and we're not spending 20 bucks to buy a personalized one. We already ran out of money after creating those state of the art Ninjazord graphics.

During the Vague Celebration, Bulk and Skull discuss how incredible they were in stopping Ivan's minions. A line that sounds like it's from a first draft that never got fixed considering they never really came across Ivan Ooze. Almost like this movie's script was never fine-tuned after it went over budget and required extensive reshoots to fix what a complete mess it was.  But what do I know? I'm just the one who's written about 50 pages of complaints about this 100 minute dumpster fire. Now that I say it out loud, maybe I'm the asshole.

Our heroes enjoy a feast to celebrate…whatever they're supposed to be celebrating, and Fred comes up and reminds them that he's still in this movie for whatever reason. Kim mentions that she heard Fred stopped a bunch of rampaging Aussies from jumping off a cliff, and Tommy tussles his stupid hair to congratulate him. Fred thanks Tommy for teaching him the most important things in martial arts, like all that stuff about using your head. Tommy looks perplexed as he wonders why someone would remember that boring bullshit. Karate is about kicking chumps and making comical noises as you spin around, all while the camera focuses in on your glorious flowing locks of lion mane hair.

Aisha claims that Fred's in line to be a Ranger himself one of these days, particularly when she gets sick of this show and decides to quit next season. Fred feigns modesty before saying he could see himself as a Silver or Gold Ranger. Psh. Scrub. Why pick one when you could be BOTH?

See ya in 13 years!

The Ranger Teens, as well as their nearest and dearest friend Fred, enjoy the fireworks display as a huge light display pops up to thank the Power Rangers. Yeah, thanks a billion for throwing that ooze wizard into a comet. Now what are we going to use our newly-funded observatory for?

The credits roll as this movie finally limps its carcass across the finish line, and I'd like to say we're finished with it. I'd really like to. But that's not the case. Why? Because this movie had the audacity to include a pre-credits scene just to taunt me.

Ah who am I kidding? I love this scene.

After most of the actor's names pop up in the credits, we transition back to the Moon Palace where Goldar is sitting in Zedd's throne and demanding that Mordant refer to him as the king of the universe. The two giggle endlessly over how cheeky they're acting, but stop dead in their tracks when they see the fully restored Zedd and Rita standing in the Moon Palace's doorway. The two goons realize they're about to get beaten the fuck up, and I get a hearty laugh at Goldar and…wait. Who's the other one?

No…there's nobody else in this scene. I thought there was a fat pig monster in these scenes. Don't you guys remember him? He was writing a review of this movie. Wait no, that can't be right. I'm the only one who...oh sorry, my monocle has so much trouble staying on while I'm typing. Wait a second…where are the pills my doctor gave me? What's happening? Who am I?! Someone bring me a mirror. I SAID BRING ME A MIRROR! Oh Jesus no. Now I understand. It all makes sense now.

There never was a Mordant in this film. The only Mordant that ever existed is the one sitting behind this keyboard. It was me. This entire time. I was Mordant, and he was me. The disgusting pig mutant who spends all his time complaining…how didn't I notice it sooner. They all wanted to keep me safe so I wouldn't realize what I was. That quack doctor thought I'd never figure it out, and maybe it's for the best I didn't, but now I know what I really am. My parents didn't hate this movie because of its lackluster blending of karate and slapstick humor. They hated it because they couldn't take their little piglet out to the theater to watch a film without hearing the patrons derisively oink at me.

My hooves keep clacking against the keys as I try to make sense of this filthy celluloid. The one that triggered some synapse in my brain chemistry to show me who the real pig goblin was. Perhaps that's why I hate this franchise so much. Because it knew what I was. So where do I go from here? Those pills can't dull reality any longer. I was the pig in the mirror.

Someone turn on the grill. It's time to make some bacon.