Silent Night, Deadly Night - Santa's Watching, Santa's Creeping

Silent Night, Deadly Night

Directed by: Charles Sellier

Starring: Nobody

Release Date: November 9, 1984

Run Time: 85 minutes

Body Count: 13

In the Winter of 1984 a slasher directed by the man who created Grizzly Adams snuck into theaters. The poster depicted an axe-wielding Santa Claus going down a chimney and old white people were less than thrilled about it. It opened on the same day as A Nightmare on Elm Street and made more money at the box office, but the power of middle class white people was too strong to fight and it was unceremoniously yanked from theaters. So what is so special about this silly little Santa Claus murder movie? Why does this film have such a strong cult following, and why in God’s name are there four sequels? Let’s dive in. If the movie itself is even half as good as its name, we should be in business.

Alright then let's pop that disc in and take a gander at what the auteur of a treasured family series about a man rescuing bears created.

I've never felt safer than I feel in this movie's hands. So strong. So firm, yet gentle at the same time. The movie's grip is so tight you know it could protect you but also love you and caress you and carry you to the suite on your honeymoon and sensually yet firmly remove your dress. Its breath tingles down your spine as it slowly slides its hand into-

Christmas Eve 1971. A good year, mostly because I wasn't alive yet. The Chapman family - mom, dad, 5 year old Billy and infant Ricky - are traveling through Utah, because that's the budget we're working with here. It's polygamous fuckfests as far as the eye can see, but the Chapmans aren't here for pleasure. No, this is strictly business: they're on their way to visit Grandpa. Isn't that sweet? They're going to wish Pep Pep a very Merry Christmas and share a beautiful day with him in the lush winter wonderland of Salt Lake City. They'll light a fire in the chimney, open some presents, and sing Christmas carols. Oh how they'll laugh their way through Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer because of the bittersweet irony of her vehicular demise coming not from Jolly Saint Nick, but her falling asleep and plowing through a farmer's market. The Chapmans will hang their stockings with care in hopes that Grandpa's PTSD won’t soon be there. But all good things must come to an end, and faster than you can name all eight reindeer he'll be fighting imaginary Nazis as he storms the beach in his mind.

The Chaps arrive at the nursing home and find gram-I'm sorry, what's that? It's not a nursing home? Then where did they stash the old man? 

Right where we left him: with one foot in the grave

 

Grandpa is catatonic, because of course he is. He's sitting in a chair in the middle of an empty room, gazing into the abyss. He doesn't move, he doesn't blink, he doesn't acknowledge his family when they speak to him. He sits in solitude with his thousand yard stare. They're in his face, but he's thousands of miles away, aiming down his sights at Himmler. If he had just pulled the trigger when he had the chance, so many good men wouldn't have had to die. Voices screaming in agony, pleading...

Mom, Dad, and baby Ricky leave Billy alone with Grandpa Goebbels to have a discussion with the doctors. As soon as they are alone, Grandpa turns to face Billy and smiles. He tells little Billy the truth about Santa Claus: Santa will only leave presents for good boys and girls. The naughty ones will be punished, just like those misbehaving kids in Iwo Jima. Smelling the fear on this tiny child, Grandpa asks, nay, demands to know if Billy has been good all year. Billy's refusal to answer is all Grandpa needs to hear, as he warns Billy that if he sees Santa "YOU BETTER RUN. YOU BETTER RUN FOR YOUR LIFE." The delivery is absolutely magical. It is a mix between legitimately sounding like an insane old man who is seconds away from getting up from his chair and throwing Billy across the room for misbehaving and a man passing the most violent pinecone bowel movement of his life. Grandpa laughs hysterically and then returns back to his trance as the family re-enters the room. They wish Gramps a Merry Christmas as they leave, but he's already back at Stalingrad. 

I am. In a world. Of shit.

Billy is noticeably shook on the ride home. He has taken Grandpa's words to heart and asks his mother what a Panzerfaust is. Then he asks her if Santa Claus ever punished her when she was little. She's upset by this question and even moreso when Billy tells her that Grandpa told him the story. She blows him off as a silly old fool with delusions of grandeur and beaches in France. Billy is even worse for wear now, because what mom said was very naughty, and Santa Claus might punish her for it. Please note the heroic restraint I used by ending that sentence when I did. 

Meanwhile, completely unrelated to the child's foreboding words of impending death by Kringle, a man dressed as Santa Claus robs a gas station at gun point. He murders the clerk when he tries to fight back and leaves the scene of the crime with only 31 bucks to show for it. This may not seem like much, but adjusted for inflation that rounds out to about 800 million Obama funbucks. I can't imagine how these plot points could be related. I sure hope their paths don't cross and imprint a memory on Billy that shatters him to his core and leaves him broken and unable to fit the puzzle pieces of his life back together.

The Chapman family make it home safely and snuggle up together under a blanket and fall asleep watching Christmas classics such as The Grinch, A Christmas Story, and Santa's Slay. Mom and Dad put the kids to bed and stand in the doorway in each other's embrace, watching their children drift into slumber with visions of sugar plums dancing in their heads. They return to the living room and light a fire in the fireplace, get cozy under the covers, and fall asleep spooning. 

Haha just kidding, none of that happened and they get brutally murdered. They come across the Santa from the convenience store, whose car has broken down. Dad offers him a ride, Santa shoots him in the head. With the car stopped, Santa attempts to rape Billy's mom, but when she fights back he slits her throat with a switchblade. Merry Christmas, idiot.

Jumpcut to Christmas 1974. Both boys survived the attack. Somehow. How did they get away? Was the killer ever caught? All these questions and more...will never be answered. In my headcanon prequel comic, grandpa came at Santa thinking he was Emperor Hirohito and was shot down with extreme prejudice. 

The boys live in Saint Mary's Home for Orphaned Children, a fate far worse than a Claus-related death. There are few things I can think of in this world that would be worse than watching your parents get murdered, but being raised by nuns has to be near the top of the list. Ironically, living in Utah is right underneath it. 

Billy has a steady regiment of being ostracized by the other children, drawing pictures of Santa Claus being murdered, and getting the shit beat out of him by Mother Superior. Every decision leads to a beating, because apparently that's how you fix a child. I don't know, I'm not Catholic. She believes there is no way he remembers what happened, and the only way to teach him to behave is through punishment. Draw a picture of a reindeer being decapitated? That's a paddlin. Catch two people having sex? Paddlin. Playing outside because another nun gave you permission to leave your room? You better believe that's a paddlin. 

Santa broke his mom's achy breaky heart

I wasn't kidding about the whole catching two people having sex thing. He stumbles upon two teens makin hot sweaty nun love, and it's filmed like a gross 1970's softcore porn. Apparently nobody told the director you're not supposed to mix heavy eroticism into your weird Christmas slasher movie, because he had a vision and that vision was long close ups of him playing with her boobs and gently caressing her nipples. It's the worst. I also wasn't kidding about a paddlin, because he gets the shit beaten out of him for having the nerve to accidentally find someone else doing something wrong. Mother Superior explains to Billy that what those teenagers were doing in that room was naughty, and they needed to be punished. A perfectly healthy thing to tell an emotionally disturbed child. A beating for having sex? That must be why I haven't done it. That and because no human females will let me do sex at them.

Alright he's 8 years old and the only sexual references he has in his life are watching his topless mother get her throat slit and having the shit beat out of him with a belt. Right on schedule. I think he's gonna be just fine...all the way until that same night where he has a nightmare about his mother's murder and runs screaming down the hallway at the top of his lungs. Mother Superior ties him to the bed as punishment, so add bondage to the list and he's on course to be making people-lamps by the time he's old enough to drive. 

Christmas morning! Hurray! This scene has my absolute favorite piece of dialogue in this movie. All the little orphan kids are opening their presents and Mother Superior mutters to herself "I see nothing but greed where there should be gratitude." I laugh every single time I hear it. These god damned greedy kids without parents, opening their one present and enjoying the only bit of excitement in their hollow lives before they return to a life of getting smacked with rulers and being taught about how God put gays and dinosaur bones on Earth to test their faith. 

Mother Superior explains to another nun, Sister Margaret, how Billy shouldn't be a problem anymore because her methods (reminder: beating children and yelling PUNISHMENT IS ABSOLUTE) work. Enter: Santa Claus. Billy is going to sit on Santa's lap and behave like a good boy. Mother Superior believes there's absolutely no way Billy could remember what happened the night his parents died, which I guess makes the numerous flashbacks and nightmares purely coincidental. The fact that he ran down the hallway in the dead of night screaming because he was replaying the memory of watching his mother have her throat slit like a pig is just the Devil trying to trick him into witchcraft or sodomy. 

Billy wants nothing to do with the jolly old elf, but MS (as I've come to know her internally) drags him literally kicking and screaming towards him. Billy faces his fears head on by cold-cocking him straight on his fat rosy ass. That old fuck shakes on the floor like a bowl full of jelly as Billy retreats to his room and hides in the corner in the fetal position, crying and apologizing for being naughty. I guess the signs are clear that it's time to get him professional mental health and hahahahaha just kidding that old broad beats him like she just caught him stealing or having sex or experiencing a single solitary moment of happiness. I asked my dad if this was what Catholic school was like for him growing up and he beat the shit out of me with a lamp. 

Now we cut to Spring 1984. Present day. That's right folks, the last 24 minutes of this fucking movie have all been backstory. Seriously. 

Sister Margaret, the one nun at the orphanage who seemed to take interest in Billy as a human being in a genuine effort to prevent him from luring women to help him load couches into his van and hiding them in a well, is talking to Mr. Sims, the owner of a toy store. Billy is 18 and ready to leave the orphanage and enter the real world and absolutely not make suits out of anyone's skin. Mr. Sims is reluctant to hire Billy...right until he gets an eyeful of him.

Look at that fuckin hunk. I'm pausing it, backin it up, then letting it roll in slow motion. I gotta drink him in nice and slow - I don't want a brain freeze. He's just what Sims needs for his toy store and just what I need for my boy hole. Speaking of need, you know what this movie needs? Did you say "a kill?" Well you'd be wrong, because apparently what this movie needs is a montage of Billy working in the toy store. Lifting heavy things. Smiling at children. Taking his shirt off and looking into the camera and telling me I'm on his naughty list and my punishment will be absolute and severe. Telling me that although it's a foggy night, his arms will guide my sleigh tonight. His turgid di-

Everything is going great for Billy. He's a hard worker, he drinks milks instead of alcohol on his lunch break, and he hasn't crammed any moths down a dead girl's throat. What could possibly go wrong?

Guess what idiot, it's Christmas.

Hey Sister Margaret, you know where you shouldn't put someone who can't process the idea of Christmas without associating it with murder? Society. But also a fucking toy store. 

At this point in the movie I'm thinking to myself "this is an 80's slasher, so who is the final girl?" It's been nothing but Billy's mullet, Billy's biceps, and nuns. There's a girl in the toy store that he has weird, explicitly sexual fantasies about that are, again, shot like a softcore porn, but there's no way this movie could possibly expect me to follow her. I refuse to accept this woman as my protagonist. It's at this point that Mr. Sims is alerted that it's Christmas Eve and his Santa has broken his leg. Billy is the only suitable replacement on short notice. Fuck your tropes, fuck your final girl, fuck your couch. Billy is going to be dressed as Santa and all the pieces are falling into place for somebody to die horribly. 

The Santa Experiment goes about as well you as would imagine. Parents bring their kids to the store and he frantically whispers to them that they need to behave or they will be punished, because that's what he thinks Santa does. I honestly can’t tell if I was supposed to laugh, but I was giggling like an idiot at him threatening to murder children while their parents laughed about how good of a job he’s doing. You see, like Billy, I am also a broken human being who can’t process human emotion and

It's closing time, Open all the doors and let you out into the world. Sims locks up the store and proclaims loudly “SEVEN O’CLOCK. IT’S OVER. TIME TO GET SHITFACED."

Same.

It’s the most wonderful time of the year, let’s lock up and get white girl wasted in a run down toy store with the guy who pays us 7 dollars an hour to watch kids knock genuine first run Return of the Jedi toys off the shelf. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW VALUABLE THAT JABBA’S PALACE PLAYSET IS YOU FUCKING CU-

Not everyone is having a gay ole time. Billy is sulking in the corner in his Santa suit, or at least I think what he’s supposed to be doing. I’m sure the actor whose name I couldn't possibly be bothered to look up is a very nice man who was just trying to catch a break by starring in a low budget horror movie, but now that my initial hot flashes are wearing off I'm realizing he is the least charismatic leading man I’ve ever seen. 

Although...

While the rest of the crew spend their evening drunkenly slurring Christmas carols, he robotically sulks because he’s upset about his parents being brutally murdered in front of his eyes and then was routinely given corporal punishment for every minor indiscretion, permanently crossing all of his mental wiring and leaving him unfit to survive in society. Who invited the fuckin’ Grinch, am I right?

Part of me grew three sizes that day

One of the employees takes a girl into the back room for a sinister Christmas handjob. I’m sure these two meatbags have names, lives, and identities, but I’ll be god damned if I look them up. The man's sexual advances have all the subtleties of, well, of a movie called Silent Night, Deadly Night, yet she remains oblivious to his intentions until he's basically inside her. The guy nearly has the tip in before she’s like WOAH WOAH HOLD YOUR HORSES I DON’T WANT SEXUAL RELATIONS. That’s farther than I’ve ever gotten so I guess you can just say I’m jealous. 

Her legs, much like the bank, are closed on this federal holiday and he finds that rather unsatisfactory. So he tries to rape her. That’s what this silly Christmas themed slasher movie needed: 40 minutes of backstory and then a second attempted rape. Thanks 80’s, you’re the fuckin worst. 

HO HO HO HUMAN CHILD YOU WILL BE THE FIRST TO DIE

Billy just so happens to have boringly drifted into the backroom and caught human male character in the act, and wouldn’t you know it this sight is triggering some rather vivid flashbacks. And by vivid flashbacks I mean just replaying the scene from the beginning of the movie. Someone is being very naughty, and you know what happens to naughty boys on Christmas? 

Chad has finally met his match. The beta uprising has begun.

Billy has snapped. Needless to say, he's gone a teensy bit overboard and wouldn't you know it, human female character person #4 is not very appreciative of Billy's retaliation. That's what happens, you beta white knight. It doesn't matter what you do, no matter how many men you murder, it will never be good enough and you will NEVER escape the friend zone. She throws hands at Santa, and this behavior is most certainly naughty. She must be punished. Billy grabs a boxcutter, tells her punishment is necessary, and stabs her in the chest, which is somehow fatal when done with a 2 inch blade. Speaking of a fatal 2 inches, 

Mr. Sims, thinking he heard a noise, investiages because he's a white guy in a horror movie. Getting drunk on the job? Sounds pretty naughty to me. Eat claw hammer, dick. Rest in peace Sims, you were the most relatable man in this movie: an old drunk who hates his job. Mrs. Randall, a woman who has inexplicably been in the shop this entire time and exists solely to up the body count, is drunk and yelling for Mr. Sims. I can only assume she's trying to get him to unlock the door so she can go home and spend Christmas with her family instead of locked in a toy shop with an old man and Dr. Frank N Furter’s test tube fuckslave. She stumbles across his corpse and is promptly murdered via bow and arrow for commiting the naughtiest sin of all - being a woman. Billy leaves right as Sister Margaret arrives at the store, finding everyone’s corpses strewn about with care in hopes that a nun and a cop soon would be there.

On to the next group of teenagers who have to die like pigs. A couple is making out on top of a pool table, and they will soon pay the price for their naughtiness. Not just the sex, but because they irresponsibly have no idea how much it costs to replace felt on a fuckin pool table. YOUR FATHER DOESN’T SLAVE AWAY 12 HOURS A DAY AT THE MILL FOR YOUR BAR FLOOZYS TO LEAVE THEIR SNAIL TRAIL ALL OVER MY GOD DAMNE-

 

They make a bunch of terrible puns like "two ball in the corner pocket" so congratulations movie on immediately making me excited for their impending deaths. That's when the unspeakable happens. She hears the jingling of bells and stops this dude so she can go let the cat in. Are you fucking SERIOUS? There's no way this dude is gonna last longer than 3 minutes and you're going to blue ball him to go let the cat in. If I was ever in that guy’s situation and a woman did that to me I would be so mad until I woke up from that dream and found myself alone in a queen sized bed with a mountain of pillows next to me to simulate another human being.

She goes upstairs from the basement in a pair of short shorts and no top (HARLOT) to let the kitty cat in. It’s at the point I get a decent look at her and realize she is none other than 80’s garbage horror movie icon Linnea Quigley, once again going topless for some silly movie about zombies or Santa or whatever the fuck. And here I thought this movie didn’t have any star power.

 

She opens the door and a cat actually runs inside and you’re like oh I thought it was Billy I thought he was gonna be standing there with an axe or something not just a dumb cat. And then Billy appears in the doorway with an axe and you’re like oh yeah that’s right, this is a slasher movie. Billy uses his monotonous mongoloid strength to lift her off the ground and gore her on a mounted deer head while repeating “punish” over and over again. It’s absolutely fantastic.

Guys I'm starting to think we missed a couple of warning signs in his adolescence

Meanwhile in the basement, Captain Blue Ball of the SS HurtinforaSquirtin is completely oblivious to what’s happening above him. He didn’t hear a door being broken down nor the constant barrage of screaming and struggling that followed because he had the radio on and he was playing pool. Typical men, am I right ladies? Now that his dong is fully flaccid, Ol’ Saint Dick walks upstairs to find an explanation and a helping hand. What he finds is his impaled girlfriend and Billy Claus waiting for him. Male Meathusk puts up a fight, but his naughtiness can not go unpunished. Billy gets his hands on him and throws his ass out the window, which is unbelievably underwhelming after goring someone on the head of an animal corpse.  

Billy is about to leave but he's stopped by little Cindy. She’s Cindy Lou Who in my headcanon and you won’t convince me otherwise. Is it the girl's sister? Is she being babysat? Who cares. Cindy is absolutely ecstatic to meet Santa and receive her present. Billy asks her if she's been good all year and I'll be god damned if my interest isn't piqued. They're not gonna kill a kid...right? 

Right. She insists she hasn't been naughty and he gives her a present - the bloody boxcutter from the store murders. Enjoy your tetanus, idiot. 

Next we go into the woods, where two 20 year old teenagers have their sled stolen by two 40 year old bullies. 

How do you do, fellow kids?

I'm gonna be real with you guys. The first half of this movie was excruciatingly slow, but as soon as these middle aged bullies start sledding down the hill my eyes light up. All I want in this world is for Billy to appear and decapitate one of these grumpy old farts. Guess what?

I howled with laughter. The sled comes down the hill being ridden by a headless corpse, and his noggin comes bouncing down behind him shortly afterwards. If this portion of the movie was a Tales from the Crypt episode instead of a full length film it would be amazing. If you close your eyes and really concentrate you can almost hear the Crypt Keeper yelling "Better sled than dead!" 

Christmas morning comes and Billy has still not been caught. Sister Margaret, who as you will all remember is responsible for putting this psychopath in a fucking toy store to begin with, is very concerned with stopping him. The cops have no leads on him, because apparently background checks didn't exist in nineteen eighty wheneverthefuck. You know, hindsight is 50/50, but if there was a murderer on the loose and a word that even sounded like orphanage showed up in his history I would have 40 cars stationed there. If he's killing kids for ruining pool tables he’s going to fuck Mother Superior’s whole world apart.

Sister Margaret, the accomplice to a string of grisly murders who will be hanged for her crimes against humanity, warns the police that Billy might return to the orphanage at some point. She's like Joan of Arc but instead of fighting oppression she let some autistic Hulk in a Santa hat loose on innocent middle aged teenagers. They don’t know where he is, but they know where he might end up. Possibly. Maybe. Anyone else who gets caught in the crossfire on his way there? Sorry. Can't help ya. The dispatcher sends a cop out to the orphanage and tells him to shoot to kill if necessary. 

A patrol car nears the orphanage and sees a Santa walking towards it. The cop gets out of the car and yells for him to stop. He gives Santa a second warning before pullling the trigger because he’s white, but he doesn’t turn around. Santa reaches out to pat a little orphan boy on the head on the one morning where waking up isn’t a chilling reminder of his loneliness in the world. The one day where he feel a warm feeling of joy in his stomach instead of the numbing emptiness that envelops his entire being. The one day whe-

3 right in his fuckin back. Merry Christmas ya filthy animal. 

So movie’s over, right? Just kidding. It wasn’t actually Billy, it was Father O’Brien dressed as Santa, giving those children the one brief glimpse of happiness in their parentless lives. Who is Father O'Brien? Good question. You'll have to ask his corpse, because the movie is never going to tell you. Why didn’t Daddy O’B stop? Because he’s deaf.      

So back the fuck up. It’s Christmas. The presents are already there, so why drag out an old deaf man to pretend to be Santa again? What are the kid gonna do, ask Helen Kringle why they didn’t get what they want? Why they didn’t find parents under the tree? 

We go inside the orphanage and join Christmas Carols already in progress. Mother Superior, who is now in a wheelchair for some reason, is singing Deck the Halls to distract them from the fact that they just watched a man who is supposed to protect them murder the man who brings them toys in cold blood. Stuff that in your sack of goodies, dick.

Murderer cop searches the premises, and this is another scene that made me laugh my balls off. The cop painstakingly searches the entire building. We follow him as he makes his way through an ominous toolshed. He slowly descends the steps with his gun drawn. He carefully scopes out every inch of the room before taking a step inside. He creeps through, checking around every single corner. He leaves no stone unturned but finds nothing. After an eternity of quiet searching, he ascends back up the stairs to leave, takes one last look down, and then Billy appears in the doorway and buries an axe in his chest while yelling PUNISH. I fucking died laughing. 

Billy approaches the front door of the orphanage and an excited little kid is more than happy to let him inside. Santa is alive! Hurray! Billy approaches Mother Superior, still inexplicably in a wheelchair, and raises his axe…in slow motion. Faced with her own death, she insists on repeating “there is no Santa Claus” because even in her final moments on this Earth she must leave the parentless children with nothing. Billy yells NAUGHTY, but before he can bring the axe down he’s shot in the back by the cop who was helping Sister Margaret, the murderer. 

With his last words, Billy faces the children and tells them “You’re safe now…Santa Claus is gone.” The screenwriter nearly pulls his arm out of his socket patting himself on the back for this next level, introspective dialogue. The camera pans over to the axe, which is sitting directly at Ricky’s feet. You remember Ricky? Of course not. Neither did the writer. Billy’s little brother is standing at Mother Superior’s side, looking at what remains of his family bleeding out on the floor. The camera focuses on the axe, then slowly pans up Ricky, who looks furiously at Mother Superior and says “Naughty” while the most batshit insane Casio keyboard I’ve ever heard in my life plays. HO HO HO LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE LEFT A SEQUEL HOOK IN YOUR STOCKING

Freeze frame, nightmare song echoes, fade to black. Wonderful. 

***

I love this terrible, stupid, awful movie. It takes a lot to live up to a title like Silent Night, Deadly Night and boy does it ever. I can see why Tarantino says it’s one of his favorite slashers. It’s a different take on the genre that doesn’t fall into the tropes found in a thousand other similar movies while at the same time being full of dumb shit like someone being decapitated while sledding down a hill. 

I appreciate how the focus is on the killer, his backstory, and what made him into the monster he is. Is 45 minutes of backstory too much? Absolutely. But it’s a refreshing change of pace instead of pre-credits kill, 10 minute credits sequence, 50 minutes of following the most unbearable kids at camp, then everyone dies at the end. There’s no final girl to follow, just a big ole beefcake stocking toys, getting beat by nuns, and murdering people. You’re not cheering for a teenage girl to make it through the night as her friends get picked off by an evil Santa, you watch Billy get dumped on for his entire life until he finally snaps and delivers punishment for being naughty. 

It’s a slasher that doesn’t know the rules of slashers. Yeah horror movies have sex scenes, but it’s two 20 year olds moaning and grinding while you get a good look at the girl’s boobs. Every sex scene, whether a dream sequence or actually happening, is filmed like a softcore porno. Slow, lingering pans as the guy gently plays with her boobs. It’s the most awkward thing possible because as soon as that scene ends a nun beats a child. In his dream sequence the camera gets in so close you can actually see the hair on his ass. This movie has no idea what it’s doing and it’s a beautiful, accidental mess. Nobody told Grizzly Adams that you have to separate nipples and blood.

I love the score, or the lack thereof. There is no iconic theme found in movies like Friday the 13th or Halloween. No instead you have a crazy person slamming their fists on a Casio keyboard while a bad actor yells NAUGHTY and strangles someone with Christmas lights. It’s an aural nightmare that feels like it was composed by someone who had never seen a horror movie and mashed on a synth and said “I don’t know, sounds pretty fuckin scary to me.” 

It’s just so shitty in all the best ways. The opening credits are literally just white text on a black background, but all of the letters shake like you're watching a 3d movie without the glasses on. It's amazing. 

If there’s two things that detract my love for it, it’s the fact that Billy’s actor is so robotic and that Mother Superior doesn’t die. You can’t spend the entire movie showing me what an awful person she is and then have her live in the end. I don’t give a hot gay fuck if she’s a nun or not, she’s gotta eat that axe. Luckily there’s a sequel that had similar feelings as me, but that’s a story about the Brothers Chaps for another day. 

So what happened to this wonderful movie? Like I said in the beginning it had a huge opening. It opened the same day as Elm Street, one of the most iconic slashers of all time, and beat it at the box office. It made 4 times it’s budget in 2 weeks in a limited release. And then an ad aired during a prime time football game, meaning a whole bunch of people saw it. Enter the PTA, enter Gene Siskel calling it one of the two most depraved films he’s ever seen, enter Tristar yanking it from theaters as soon as possible. 

Fun fact, Tristar is partially owned by Coke. You know who Coke loves?

I’d say the absolute best part of owning this movie on DVD is the fact that one of the bonus features is a collage of complaints from offended parents and movie critics. The best one?

See you in part 5, dick.