[50 Shades of Shea] Terminator Genisys - Genesis Spelled with a WHY

Do you think they call it Terminator Mega Dryve in the UK?

There are spoilers ahead, but who cares it’s terrible

The year is 2029. Three billion are dead after Skynet used our own missile defense system against us. Our hero Resistance leader John Connor (Jason Clarke) is launching what is supposed to be the final offensive assault, but the finality has more to do with how much money this movie rakes in over in China than it does his brilliant strategizing. They will attack on two fronts - the past and the future. He creates two task forces: one team to strike Skynet’s central core and a second team led by Kyle Reese (Jai Courtney) to destroy a thuper thecret time machine. Or something.

Skynet panics and sends a T-800 back to 1984 to kill John’s mother, Sarah Connor (Emilia Clarke), before she can learn to talk to dragons or whatever the fuck she does. The supercomputer believes this is the best course of action instead of just killing John then and there and ending the war without creating a convoluted spider-web of time travel bullshit. Reese volunteers to go back in time to protect her and ensure John survives and leads the Resistance instead of going back further and murderin-fuck it. The T-800 arrives and tries to attack Sarah but is quickly killed by a decrepit Arnold Schwarzenegger, who has been reprogrammed to protect her and to resemble a sun burned leather purse.

Guess what assholes, we’ve got an altered timeline. Sarah knows about Skynet, Judgement Day, Reese being her guardian, and Gamergate. The past is different? That must mean…the future is different! The three of them are attacked by a T-1000 but it’s so awful that I can’t bring myself to say anything about it without downing yet another shot of lukewarm Fireball. After some bickering and awkward sexual tension the trio decide to travel to 2017 through ANOTHER time machine.

They arrive in the far flung distant future of…2 years from now and John Connor is there to rescue them from something for some reason. Who cares. Arnold appears out of nowhere and shoots John, revealing what probably would have been a really cool twist if it wasn’t in every single piece of advertising for this garbage heap. That’s right, John was infected by a T-who gives a fuck and transformed for some reason. Now he’s here to ensure Skynet’s rise to power and Judgement Day and god dammit whatever.

This is Terminator Genisys. Welcome to a world where time travel doesn't make any bit of goddamn sense, the in-jokes come off as pandering and sad, and Arnold has aged to a point where I’d rather watch him sit around a nursing home and complain about minorities. Trying to make sense of the plot is like trying to solve a puzzle without half of the pieces. Unfortunately for the movie, the ass backwards script gets absolutely no help from any of its stars.

Jai Courtney continues his streak of being in unwatchable sequels to 30 year old movies and hits it out of the park with his signature cardboard performance. Jason Clarke is the least convincing resistance leader I’ve ever seen and looks like he doesn’t want to be there at all. He’s as good at hiding his accent as I am at pretending like I’m not going to cry myself to sleep tonight. Where did I go wrong? Why am I breathing? Why did they put old man skin on a robot? The only actor who seems to be enjoying himself is Arnold. He brings much needed excitement to the movie and embodies the spirit of what would happen if a robot got shitfaced and started headbutting helicopters.

The most miscast star has to be Emilia Clarke. When you think of Sarah Connor you can’t help but immediately think of Linda Hamilton. Tall, stern, ripped to shit  and could probably bench press a Volkswagen Bus if you gave her a reason to do so.

In Genisys you have a Sarah Connor that honestly represents the inspiration of the Resistance as a 5’3 bratty softie who looks like she would rather see who liked her newest stupid selfie Instagram beach photo than save humanity.  Her scenes with Arnold are flooded with the fact that she constantly calls her Guardian as “Pops” and really sells it to the Pedo-esque My Little Pony crowd. Think Ferra Torr from Mortal Kombat X and mix in a dash of “is she of age or am I going to jail” and you have the current Sarah Connor.

Congrats on being the second best Game of Thrones actress to play Sarah Connor

I say her exact height because in one scene our heroes are in a police lineup with the height measurements ACTUALLY shown in the background.  The movie made it a solid 15 second point to look at the audience and say “haha shes so tiny LOOK AT HER”.  I would have much rather preferred a subplot where someone goes back in time to kindly deter Ms Clarke to find a career where we dont have her near a mic or a camera in the future. That's a 4th wall I’ll break any fucking day of the week, much like I break my liver with hard booze every time I see someone my age announcing an engagement on facebook. Why did I zig when I should have zagged?

The film’s finale brings us to a massive level of “Bad Guys lose track of how to do the easiest fucking thing in the world.” In 2017 there is no Skynet, but there is something called “Genisys” which is an operating system that the entire world seems to embrace. Genisys promises to tie all of your devices and social media accounts together making your shit existence meaningful. You know, something I’d probably buy into to mask my own personal self hatred. If you listen closely you can actually hear the writers saying “Genisys? Don’t you mean Google” and high fiving.

Everyone in the movie is SUPER STOKED about the new version being released in 15 hours. Remember how John Connor is part Terminator now? Well he’s in charge of Genisys, because of course he is. Activating Genisys would bring the world to its knees and force us to bow to our machine overlords...hopefully in a McDonalds bathroom stall through a hole of glory.

So why doesn’t Genisys turn itself on the second it sees our heroes at the front door? There is even a scene where Kyle Reese pisses off a child hologram AI(Hey Mass Effect 3 ending, how ya doin?!), who rushes the clock from 15 hours to 15 minutes. During the final battle various other AI’s appear and taunt the heroes.  Each time the AIs are taken out the clock is bumped up a few more minutes. Will one of you assholes please just say “Aight fuck you then” and push whatever button would activate Genisys?  At one point Sarah Connor meets a child version of Kyle Reese that will make you turn to your date and go “Does she realize that she just met the child version of her fuck buddy?” It’s like visiting your date’s childhood home and seeing family portraits and thinking “hey, I totally fucked that kid.” Or at least that’s what I imagine it feels like. I personally did not run into that problem because I’m cripplingly alone.

Terminator Genisys was pretty lackluster. Massive plot holes and horrendous casting drown out the mindless action you bought a ticket for. If you somehow actually find enjoyment from this then you should be happy to know this shitfest is the first of the new Terminator trilogy.  Please see this movie and then when youre done please kick me in my big stupid fucking face.  I hated every second of this movie. I cant believe we wasted an entire WrestleMania on this.