Human Centipede 3 - Do Not Watch This Garbage Movie

The Human Centipede III (Final Sequence)

Directed by: Tom Six

Starring: Dieter Laser, Laurence R. Harvey

Release Date: May 22, 2015

Run Time: 102 minutes

Hey guys, let’s all agree to stop giving Tom Six money and never speak of this movie ever again. 

Dieter Laser returns to the franchise as prison warden Bill Boss, who does nothing but scream incomprehensible dialogue at the top of his lungs. He also tortures prisoners or something in between rounds of screaming at them. His garbage prison is the worst in the country and the state Governor (an incredibly sleepy Eric Roberts fresh off the set of Cool Cat Finds a Gun) wants to fire him and his assistant, Dwight (Laurence R. Harvey - Martin from HC2). Boss is going insane and has tried countless forms of cruel and unusual punishment to get his inmates in line - and you will see every single one of them whether you want to or not. Dwight has an idea on how to get their inmates in line, save the state billions of dollars, protect their jobs, and pad out an unnecessary runtime. Can you guess what it is? You think you figured it out? Well let me spoil the surprise for you.

In this heap of garbage, The Human Centipede 1 and 2 are well known, beloved films. I shit you not. His big plan? The ultimate punishment and deterrent for anyone watching this movie considering turning to a life of crime in these hard times, daddy. A 500 person human centipede. Sounds cool, right? How could they possibly fuck this up? 

You see in this movie he's watching the second movie, and in the second movie he's watching the first movie. It all connects, like a centipede. GET IT? Fuck you. 

Going into this movie I had heard nothing but bad things, even from people who loved the first two. The same people who enthusiastically recommended both of them were yelling up and down about how this wasn't just a bad movie, but one of the worst movies they'd ever seen. This movie was below the standards of fans of babies getting crushed to death. Contrary to all of this, did I talk myself into being slightly optimistic? Absolutely, because I'm an idiot who never learns. After all, how bad could it be? Ace Visionary Director and Satirist Thomas Six brought together my favorite part of each prior film, Dr. Heiter and Martin, and there’s a 500 person centipede. It at least has to be sort of watchable, right?

Fuckin wrong. The entire movie is the two of them together and they are absolutely unbearable. Dieter Laser yells incomprehensible dialogue for a hundred fucking minutes. He’s in every single scene and does nothing but shout garbled nonsense at the top of his lungs. The problem here is there’s no way you will believe me without hearing it for yourself. No matter how many times I tell you I’m not exaggerating, you’ll think I’m just blowing smoke up your ass. I can’t stress enough in this or any language the fact that almost every single line that comes out of his mouth is shouted loud enough to force you to mute the TV.

It’s never a good sign when five minutes into a movie you jot down the note “holy shit, they’re not gonna talk in these accents the whole time are they?” It’s amazing that at no point during filming did Tom Six have the revelation that maybe he shouldn’t let the guy who can’t act or speak the language improv all of his own lines. I really did wonder to myself if Six realized how terrible the acting was. And then he appeared in the movie as…himself. I swear to God. He comes stumbling into the movie, wrinkled suit and all, and acts alongside Laser for what is seemingly an eternity. I thought it was a very artistic choice to have both of them continue reading their lines but face the camera and stare directly at me while a voice whispered “ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn” as snakes fell out of their mouths but I guess I’m not really the artsy type.

Please God pull the trigger I'm begging you 

 

It’s not just them, though. Everyone is terrible, whether they actually cared about this project or showed up solely for the money. Speaking of, Eric Roberts appears for 2 scenes and gives a performance that I will forever associate with the phrase “sleepwalking through a scene.” Every single person gets out-acted by Bree Olson, who I will admit has produced some fine cinematic work of her own. Her performance as “blonde girl who blows guy a lot” is the most believable thing in this whole trash heap. 

There is an art to this movie. Tom Six has created a movie so unbearable to sit through that the SHOCKING TOO HOT FOR TV X-RATED scenes wash over you with a wave of indifference. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to shoot a film that is so inconceivably awful that a close up shot of a man getting his testicles sliced open and then later eaten doesn’t even make me cringe? The attempts to disturb the audience have gone from over the top to flat out embarrassing. Laser is eating an African clitoris? Wow that’s so fucking DARK, dude if your mom catches us watching something so EXTREME we’re gonna get hella grounded. Dude don’t be such a baby, he’s just raping that girl while she’s in a coma. What are you, some kind of wuss? Go fuck yourself Tom, why don’t you tell a dead baby joke while you’re at it? Oh that’s right you did it in the last movie. 

But what about the centipede, you may ask. What happens when that finally happens? Oh, you mean 85 minute into the movie? Too little too fucking late. The absolute only positive thing I have to say about this movie is the centipede itself, and they gave it away on the cover. Way to go.

I can't encourage anyone to watch this movie. If you want to experience what I'm talking about, I dare you to make it through this entire video.

That’s the movie. That is it. That tone, that inflection, that migraine inducing volume. Pepper in embarrassingly try-hard gore shots that are no more violent than any 80’s slasher and you have one of the worst movies I’ve seen in a long time. The absolute only positive thing about HC3 is the fact that the 500 person centipede is all extras and no CGI, but Six can’t even be bothered to do anything interesting with his direction. It’s there, you see it for 5 minutes, then the movie’s over. I’ve sat through a lot of terrible movies in my life; a lot of movies that were shot for no money with actors working for free. I’ve been bored by plenty of terrible films, but I’ve never actively hated the act of watching a movie as much as I have with this. Congratulations Tom Six, you’ve made something so horrible that it’s made me retroactively hate the movies that came before it. If the first movie had bombed, he'd be selling his "Underground Comedy Movie" on Comedy Central at 3 in the morning.

It’s a one hundred minute movie that doesn’t have enough substance to fill out a 20 minute TV show and they have the nerve to put a fucking dream sequence in the middle of it. The entire film plays like it was made by a 12 year old who made a fart sound in 2009 and his parents laughed so he kept doing it over and over again until they got sick of him. It’s time to finally ground Tom Six and stop giving him money to make this shit. The entire concept is something we are done with. It’s outdated. 2009? Bin Laden was still alive, Wikileaks hadn’t happened and British Petroleum hadn’t apologized for dousing swans in oil. It’s the cinematic version of an 80’s hair metal band playing a reunion tour at dive bars and somehow less pleasant to listen to. This isn’t satire, this isn’t art, this isn’t even a movie. It was put here by a higher power to test my faith, like gays and dinosaur bones. 

The strongest not recommend imaginable. Don’t watch it, don’t talk about it, let's just ignore it and move on with our lives