Grumpy Cat's Worst Christmas Ever - Please Let Me Die

kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me

Jack Frost - The Most Important Film Duology Since Drumline

Santa's Slay - The Most Important Wrestler-Dressed-As-Santa-Murdering-People Film of Our Generation

GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLDBERG

NFL Week 10 Preview – Football is Dumb and I Hate it

Breathe easy, there aren't any Paris jokes. Even I'm not that terrible of a person.

Friday the 13th - It's Got A Death Curse

Friday the 13th
Directed by: Sean S. Cunningham 
Starring: Betsy Palmer, Adrienne King, Kevin Bacon, Not Kevin Bacon, Ms. Not Kevin Bacon
Release Date: May 9, 1980
Run Time: 95 minutes 
Body Count: 11 (if you include the snake)

In the late 1970's an exploitation filmmaker named Sean S. Cunningham placed a full page ad in the papers to drum up interest in a movie. He had no backing, no script, just a name: Friday the 13th ..."The most terrifying film ever made!" The name sounded cool and nobody sued him over it, and that was all the green-lighting he needed. He took the most memorable parts of Halloween and Psycho, sprinkled in some Kevin Bacon, and a franchise was born. 

NFL Week 9 Preview – Support Are Troops

I am so sorry for all of this

NFL Week 8 Preview – All Tricks, No Treats

Happy Halloween, y'all. Football is still dumb and I hate myself for watching it. 

The Green Inferno - We Get It. You Really Like Cannibal Holocaust

 
The Green Inferno
Directed by: Eli Roth
Starring: Eli Roth's Wife, some other people
Release Date: September 25, 2015
Run Time: 100 minutes

...It probably sat on the shelf for two years because it’s really good, right?

NFL Week 7 Preview – Don’t Hassel the Cassel

Football in London, Matt Cassel, and a desperate cry for help. All this and more in Week 7

Fantastic Four (Percent Rotten)

Fantastic Four
Directed by: Josh Trank 
Starring: Miles Teller, Michael B. Jordan, Kate Mara, Jamie Bell, Toby Kebbell
Release Date: August 7, 2015
Run Time: Approximately 900 minutes

I don't know if you guys heard any of the buzz, but apparently a lot of people dislike this movie.

Creep - What the Hell Am I Doing Here?

Creep

Directed by: Patrick Brice

Starring: Patrick Brice, Mark Duplass

Release Date: June 23, 2015

Run Time: 80 minutes

Get it. Like the Radiohead song. I'm so fuckin clever. 

Ant-Man - [Insert Penis Joke Here]

Ant-Man

Directed By: Peyton Reed

Starring: Paul Rudd, Michael Douglas, Evangeline Lilly, Corey Stoll

Release Date: July 17, 2015

Run Time: 117 minutes

Maybe we can finally cut this "is this going to be the first terrible Marvel movie?" shit out. 

Human Centipede 3 - Do Not Watch This Garbage Movie

The Human Centipede III (Final Sequence)

Directed by: Tom Six

Starring: Dieter Laser, Laurence R. Harvey

Release Date: May 22, 2015

Run Time: 102 minutes

Hey guys, let’s all agree to stop giving Tom Six money and never speak of this movie ever again. 

[50 Shades of Shea] Terminator Genisys - Genesis Spelled with a WHY

Do you think they call it Terminator Mega Dryve in the UK?

The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence) - The Legend of Curly’s Gold

The Human Centipede II (Full Sequence)
Directed by: Tom Six

Starring: Laurence R. Harvey, Nobody Else 
Release Date: October 7, 2011
Run Time: 91 minutes

Now with 100% more rape and projectile shitting 

Jurassic World - Hold on to Your Butts....Again

Jurassic World
Directed by: Colin Trevorrow

Starring: Chris Pratt, Bryce Dallas Howard, Vincent D'Onofrio, Ty Simpkins

Release Date: June 12, 2015

Run Time: 124 minutes

God creates dinosaurs. God destroys dinosaurs. God creates man. Man destroys God. Man creates dinosaurs. Dinosaurs eat man. Man creates another park anyways, because fuck it. Man creates a genetic hybrid dinosaur that breaks free from its cage. A bunch of extras get eaten.

The Human Centipede (First Sequence) - 2 Hot Teens Go Ass To Mouth And You Won't Believe What Happens Next

It's not just a movie about going ass to mouth. It's a 100% medically accurate movie about going ass to mouth. 

Zombeavers - The Angriest Beavers

In World War II, Rick Blaine, exiled American and former freedom fighter, runs the most popular nightspot in town. The cynical lone wolf Blaine comes into the possession of two valuable letters of transit. When Nazi Major Strasser arrives in Casablanc-ah shit, wrong movie.

Mad Max: Fury Road - MAXimum Overdrive

Mad Max: Fury Road
Directed by: George Miller

Starring: Tom Hardy, Charlize Theron, Nicholas Hoult, Hugh Keays-Byrne

Release Date: May 15, 2015

Run Time: 120 minutes

A masked man in a red jumpsuit rides on a truck lined with row after row of massive speakers. As the fleet of trucks pursue their target, he shreds on a double neck guitar that also happens to shoot fire as a squad of drummers furiously pound away on taiko drums. He bounces around effortlessly on bungee cables while his riffs lead the charge into battle. Oh and also a guy named Max gets mad, meets a woman named Furiosa and the best chase scenes I’ve ever seen in my life happen. 

Disney's Marvel's Joss Whedon's Marvel Cinematic Universe Phase 2 Presents - Avengers: Age of Ultron

Avengers: Age of Ultron 
Directed by: Joss Whedon

Starring: Robert Downey Jr., Chris Hemsworth, Mark Ruffalo, Chris Evans, Scarlett Johansson, Jeremy Renner, Aaron Taylor-Johnson, Elizabeth Olsen, Paul Bettany, James Spader, 30 other people 

Release Date: May 1, 2015

Run Time: 141 minutes

Tony Stark and Bruce Banner attempt to create the ultimate peacekeeping artificial intelligence and neglect to tell the rest of the Avengers about it. Everything goes horribly wrong, there's an army of evil robots, and Earth's Mightiest Heroes have to quit bickering and work together to save the world. It's the first movie, but with James Spader and those 2 people who weren't Godzilla but were in 90% of the movie. 

Furious 7 - You Thought This Was Gonna Be A Street Fight?

Furious 7
Directed by: James Wan

Starring: Vin Diesel, Paul Walker, Dwayne Johnson, Michelle Rodriguez, Jordana Brewster, Tyrese Gibson, Chris "Ludacris" Bridges, Kurt Russell, Jason Statham
Release Date: April 3, 2015
Run Time: 137 minutes

Dominic Toretto (Vin Diesel) and his crew thought they had finally left the criminal life behind them, but Fast Six made almost 800 million dollars so come hell, high water, or a star's death halfway through filming, Universal is going to get every red cent they can out of this franchise. This time they’re after Deckard Shaw (Jason Statham), the brother of the forgettable villain from the last movie. There’s also some nonsense about a computer program called God's Eye that can tap into any electronic device and a hacker with a super cool code name. There's also some Somalian warlord who shows up for no reason, Michelle Rodriguez fights another female MMA fighter, Kurt Russell comes in and starts talking about Belgian Ale, and they get chased around Los Angeles by a predator drone. I don't know man, shit. I'd like to see you try to make sense of any of this.

Tales from the Crypt - Three's A Crowd (Season 2, Episode 5)

Three's A Crowd

Season 2 - Episode 5

from Shock SuspenStories #11

Aired May 1, 1990
Directed by David Burton Morris

Worst pun: We've been invited to an anniversary celebration of holy deadlock. To love and to perish. For richer, for horror. In sickness and in stealth. Till death do us part. 

What the fuck does in stealth mean? You ran out of ideas you puppet piece of shit.

Holy deadlock! A hubby turns against his wife and her presumed suitor. But is it all a fatal mistake?

The Guest - What's A Handsome Guy Like You Doing In A Place Like This?

The Guest
Directed by: Adam Wingard
Written by: Simon Barrett 

Starring: Dan Stevens, Maika Monroe
Release Date: September 17, 2014 
Run Time: 100 minutes

David (Dan Stevens) is a gorgeous, beautiful hunk of dudemeat sculpted out of the finest marble by the Gods above. He’s also a soldier returning from active duty and paying a visit to the Peterson family. The Petersons are still grieving over the recent death of their son Caleb, who served alongside David. David is polite. He doesn’t eat or drink much. He rarely sleeps. His sole mission is to help the Petersons with anything they need. Whether it’s helping their son Luke with school bullies or lending his ear to dad as he rants about getting passed up for a promotion, David just wants to make their lives easier. Their daughter Ana begins to suspect David might not really be who he says he is. And then some people wind up dead. 

You're Next - Surprise Crossbows & Home Alone Traps

You're Next
Directed by: Adam Wingard
Written by: Simon Barrett

Starring: Sharni Vinson, A.J. Bowen, Joe Swanberg 

Release Date: August 23, 2013 
Run Time: 94 minutes

The Davison family are having a reunion in their secluded vacation home in the woods to celebrate mom and dad’s 35th wedding anniversary. Mommy and Daddy Davison, their four children and their spouses all gather at the house and tensions immediately boil over. The fighting is cut short when a tumultuous dinner is interrupted by an assault from relentless animal-masked murderers. Overpowered and out of their element at first, the family is surprised to learn that Erin, girlfriend of the fat sheep of the family, Crispian (whose name I refuse to acknowledge as a real name), was trained by her father as a survivalist expert for 15 years and has a series of Kevin McCallister traps for this very occasion.