Tales from the Crypt - Dead Right (Season 2, Episode 1)

Dead Right

Season 2 - Episode 1

from Shock SuspenStories #6

Aired April 21, 1990
Directed by Howard Deutch

Worst pun: “when Charlie got his just desserts…he requested seconds.” 

For the money, honey! A gold digger marries a slob in hopes of gaining an inheritance.

Alright boys and ghouls, we had a successful six episodes and got picked up for another season. How do you think we should kick this thing off? We could do zombies, werewolves, Siamese twins, or even butthole aliens. The possibilities are endless, where do we go with this? Oh, the Crypt Keeper dressed as a fortune teller? Stop digging, you hit oil. 

The logical progression from this opening is Demi Moore talking to a fortune teller named Madame Vorma who speaks in a generic gypsy dialect. At least the showrunners didn't let the show's success get to their heads. We built this city on tits and borderline racist caricatures and God dammit we're not changing for you or anybody. Vorma successfully reads that Demi is a secretary who's wasting her life at a shit job waiting for some rich guy to marry her and take her away. Aren't we all.

She also predicts that today she will lose her job but find another one. Demi insists that this is literally impossible because her boss is out of town. Even though this stranger completely broke down her entire purpose in life and her place in God's plan for us all within minutes of meeting her, this is OBVIOUSLY just a bullshit scam so she leaves. 

She heads back to work and clocks back in from lunch and tells her friend Sally (Kate Hodge - the lead of Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3. Literally her biggest credit) what a complete waste of time the medium was, laughing off not only her ability to dissect the only reason she is able to pull herself out of bed every morning as she moves aimlessly throughout life with only a fairy-tale story carrot dangling in front of her to keep her moving, but also her OUTLANDISH claim that she would be fired. After all, "that asshole's not even in town." Problem is, that asshole is standing right behind her. He (Earl Boen - the dopey looking psychologist from the first three Terminator movies) doesn't really care about what she called him, but he does care about her taking an hour and a half lunch break. So get your shit and hit the bricks Demi, you're fired. 

As she wanders down the sidewalk, the guy who got thrown off the balcony in Ace Ventura loudly and publicly fires a waitress and yells out to Demi, asking if she needs a job. She realizes Madame Vorma was right and goes back to talk to her. 

Vorma tells her that a large chunk of money is coming Demi's way soon. She says she will a marry a man, but he won't be wealthy until they get married. Demi immediately blows her off, saying she's not gonna bother getting married unless the metaphorical guy who might not even exist is already rich, because her character has a lot of depth. Vorma tells her soon after the marriage, the man will inherit the money from someone 'near and dear' to him, and once he inherits it he will die violently shortly afterwards. Not only that, but she's gonna meet him tonight. Tonight at work a large man will approach her. 

Cut to titties at the titty bar. Thanks, episode. Demi is working as a waitress, waiting for Uncle Pennybags to sweep her off her feet. And in he comes. Jeffrey Tambor in the Nutty Professor-est fat suit comes sauntering into the bar. He's got splotchy skin, bad teeth, he's balding, and he's fucking panoramic. 

She serves him a drink and he immediately asks her on a date. She realizes that Vorma told her a large man would approach her, and this diabetic ticking timebomb is the man of her dreams. She shoots him down and continues on with her shift, but he corners her and tells her she can't escape the special connection between them. She fucking runs. 

After narrowly avoiding being fucked to death by Professor Klump, she runs back to Vorma because she doesn't have friends or family. Vorma reassures her that he will inherit the fortune once they're married and will die violently shortly after. 

Demi and her stupid friend from that Texas Chainsaw movie meet for lunch and fantasize all the different ways he could die, all of which are acted out by Jeffrey and his fat suit. It’s actually really funny. Chainsaw girl says he could get hit by a car and the camera pans out the window of the restaurant as he crosses the street and gets whomped. Demi corrects her by saying he's so fat it would have to be a giant mack truck, and it cuts back to the same intersection where a massive truck kills him. Demi suggests he's so fat that he'd probably just die by eating himself to death, and it pans to a table behind them as he chokes to death and landing face first in one of his many plates. Dumb little touches like that are why I love this show so much. That and the giant puppet that makes puns about dessert. 

That night he's back at the club looking like an even fatter Jon Lovitz because while she's verbally denied him every step of the way, she's yet to use pepper spray or any other physical force, so why give up now? You miss 100% of the attempted rapes you don't take. She's come to terms with the fact that this fat sack of shit will eventually come into money, and even if the prediction isn't entirely accurate the odds of him dying like Elvis get better by the day. She agrees to go on a date with him and asks him his name.

"You're dating Mr. Charlie Marno...and I'm pleased to meet you."

It's so adorable because you know he's waited his entire life to say that line. The ellipses are on purpose, he pauses for emphasis and even gives her a little salute. He's a revolting looking human being but he's so adorable. 

The date is magnificent. To watch, I mean. It's a complete shitshow otherwise. They go to a movie where he has two popcorn buckets on his lap, after that he inhales Chinese food and slams his fist on the table every time he laughs, and is a big fat awkward dancer who steps all over her with his giant hooves. She fights through it like a trooper, though, with her titty meat pushed up and on display for all. She sees the gold at the end of this rainbow and she'll be god damned if she lets some other mediocre actress willing to show her bush take it from her. At the end of the night he drops her off at her house and gives her a kiss before leaving. As soon as the door shuts she vomits into the sink. 

A couple of dates later he tells her he’s absolutely crazy about her and proposes. You can tell he’s never had a real relationship of any sort and he’s fallen desperately in love and you feel kind of bad for him, because you know what show you’re watching so this can only end with either him dead, her dead, or all of the above. She says she wants to know him better before making such a commitment and asks about his family. He mentions a rich uncle and boom bitch they’re reading their vows. 

It’s their wedding night and they’ve said I do, the church bells are chiming and the clock has struck fuck o’clock. We don’t see any fucking, but we see the foreplay, and that’s infinitely worse. I imagine the sex would just look like Eddie Murphy having sex with one of his own characters, but nothing compares to seeing that face gently kissing and caressing her boobs. It'll send a shiver down your spine. 

Daddy horny, Michael

Shock of all shocks, married life with Charlie Marno is fucking miserable. She cleans and cooks and washes his circus tent underwear while he just gets fatter and fatter. He uses her as a doormat and she drinks constantly to tolerate it finally pays off. 3 months in and she turns him down for sex (again) because of a "migraine" and asks if he's talked to his rich uncle lately. He scoffs at it, saying he’s busy with his own family out west somewhere. 

She does not take this news well. She storms over to Vorma to complain. She let this Charlotte's Web looking mother fucker pull out and write "some pig" on her lower back, and this entire time the rich guy in his family already has a family of his own. Meaning of course, unless the family SUV on the way to DisneyWorld gets hit in a drone strike, Ol' Charlie Marno isn't gonna see a penny of it. Vorma insists she's always right: he will inherit the money, and then he will die. Demi blows off some steam by going to the grocery store. Women, am I RIGHT? She's ambushed by reporters as she learns she's the one millionth customer! Her prize is a check for one million dollars. Remember when this was a thing in TV shows?

She returns home and gleefully packs her bags. Charlie fights off a series of elaborate heart attacks and comes into the room to see what's going on. She lets him know what she really thinks of him as she heads towards the door with her suitcase. He looks utterly devastated. He's a fat slob, but he's a human being who just had the one person in his life who's shown him love call him a fat piece of shit, pack everything, and head for the door seemingly out of nowhere. He's unable to handle this and tells her before she leaves he has just one last thing to say to her: if he can't have her, nobody will. Then she runs out the front door. 

BUT THE WACKY TWIST ENDING IS 

Just kidding, he stabs the shit out of her. He screams “IF I CANT HAVE YOU NOBODY CAN” at the top of his lungs over and over again as he repeatedly stabs her, then lets out a gutteral yell as she falls to the floor lifeless and blood soaked.

THERE'S ALWAYS MONEY. IN. THE BANANA STAND.

A voice is heard saying Demi was looking to marry a man and inherit a fortune. He says that Charlie did in fact inherit one - from her, after he murdered her. He didn't get to enjoy though, as he would die violently shortly after. It's revealed the voice is that of a reporter, reporting live from Marno's execution. Marno was granted the largest last meal in history, and the switch is flipped as he dies suddenly and violently. 

So what is the Crypt Keeper's last line? He literally predicts we’ll be back next week at the same time, same place, same station, for another story. Then it ends. Not even a shitty joke and cackling laugh fading out. He tells a fucking same bat-time, same bat-channel and it cuts to credits. Suck my dick. 

I loved this episode. Jeffrey Tambor is given a pretty silly role but just goes for it. He's covered in latex from head to toe so virtually anyone could have played this character, but he makes you feel for him. You see how shy he is when he asks her to marry him and you feel bad for him when she's leaving at the end. Yeah I'm sure the marriage sucked but it's not like he was abusing her, he was just being him. Granted he's a fat piece of shit who eats nonstop and sits around, but take a look at him. He is as advertised and he legitimately feels like he's found someone who understands him and loves him. He completely sells the drastic change from heartbroken to disbelief to furious rage before he kills her. 

I'm probably getting a little over the top. It's not Daniel Day Lewis, it's George Bluth in a fat suit. But it's very well done and incredibly entertaining. I'm not gonna give it a perfect score because it's not one that I see sticking out as one of the absolute best once I get deeper into the series, but it's still entertaining. 

4/5


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