Tales from the Crypt - Lover Come Hack to Me (Season 1, Episode 5)

Lover Come Hack to Me

Season 1 - Episode 5

from Haunt of Fear #19

Aired June 21, 1989
Directed by Tom Holland

Worst pun: "Open her closet door and see if any family secrets fall out. Beware of skeletons...unless they're yours truly." 

Her stocks, bonds, house: Charles loves everything about Peggy and wants to make sure their honeymoon is a night of (murderous) passions. But there's a family secret Peggy never told him...

There's absolutely nothing to say about the Crypt Keeper's intro. After last week, this has me very concerned about the next 25 minutes.

Plain Jane Peggy (Amanda Plummer - Honey Bunny from Pulp Fiction) has just gotten married. As she's about to leave with her new husband on their honeymoon, her aunt pulls her aside and warns her that her husband doesn't really love her and just wants her money. She received a large inheritance from her mother and Auntie assumes this beautiful man is a gold digger. She tells Peggy that if she ain't no punk holla we want prenup (we want prenup) as Peggy gets in the car. Her husband Charles and his gorgeous mane pretty much tells her aunt to her face that’s exactly what he wants, that he’s gonna kick her out of the house she's lived in her entire life when he gets back, and he deuces off to the honeymoon.  

You can't not imagine running your hands through it

They’re driving in a heavy storm at night and meek little Peggy can't read a fucking map. They come across a giant tree trunk blocking the entire road. She opens the glove compartment ins search of a flashlight and a handgun pops out. Neither of them take ownership of it but Charles grabs it and gets out of the car. The doesn't budge, but he notices a giant spooky mansion nearby. So basically it’s the first 10 minutes of The Rocky Horror Picture Show. No promises that there won’t be Time Warp jokes later on. 

He gets back in the car and the keys are gone. Did he drop them? Did she hide them? They don’t seem to care because we immediately move on. They make a break for it and enter the house, apparently leaving their fucking car unlocked in the middle of the road. The house is old and abandoned, so naturally they make themselves right at home. As they light a fire in the fireplace, Peggy notices an ax displayed on the mantle. They take off their clothes to let them dry, and she notices that from her point of view he's beneath the ax, and she begins to pretty much have a panic attack. She's The Worst. 

It's more subtle than I'd expect

It's at this point in the episode where I begin to love Charles. He clearly fucking hates her and it’s hilarious. All he wants is her inheritance and it seems like every time she opens her dumb mouth a piece of him dies. When they first arrive at the house she insists he carry her over the threshold and he reacts with the same enthusiasm as finishing a crossword. She grates on the viewer with her squeaky voice and general mousiness and now that the marriage is legal he's channeling our hatred for her. 

Back to the actual plot, it's their wedding night so it's time to consummate the marriage. With fuckin. Turns out Peggy is a virgin and they've never even seen each other naked. Much like the house, her vagina is old and unused. She's stayed a virgin so she'd be perfect for a perfect night. I HATE you. Every single thing has to be perfect. They're about to fuck on the couch but they have to find a bed. It has to be the perfect place in a perfect moment on a perfect night. All of this is being said in her high pitched voice. I never thought there'd be a TV character named Peggy more insufferable than Hank's wife but holy SHIT. 

Make love to me Rowsdower

After we get not one, but two shots of dude butt, they go upstairs and find a room with a bed that just so happens to be recently made and surrounded by dozens of candles. Obviously someone has been in this room but fuck that noise he's about to ram jam his wiener in her timid, shrill vagina. 

Charles starts lighting candles while Peggy puts on what I guess was sexy lingerie in 1989. Once the candles are lit, he finishes setting the mood by taking the pistol from the glove compartment out of his pocket and placing it on the nightstand. She emerges all whored up and for once he's actually into her. I'm not sure why, but he's really attracted to her. He may be a gold digger who despises every word that comes out of her stupid fucking noise hole, but he wants to pop that cherry. 

No thanks ma'am, I'm actually gay

So they fuck all night. And it goes on FOREVER. He puts his hands on his hips and brings his knees in tight. But it's the pelvic thrust that really drives her insane. It gets to a point where when they cut away I swear to God I thought she was murdering him, because I've never heard a man yell like that without his head being in a vice. For all I knew she had just killed Krillin offscreen because he was going Super Saiyan. 

Ok so their gross sex finally ends. What is the first thing she says after she loses her virginity to her husband? "We made a child. I know we did." This bugnuts bitch just had someone up in her gummyworks for the first time in her life and 30 seconds later she knows she's having a kid? Oh and in case you were wondering, "it was perfect. As perfect as it will ever get." GOD DAMMIT die already. 

They eventually fall asleep. Charles wakes up and Peggy is gone. He hears someone outside and looks out the window. Peggy is there in different clothes and hairstyle and she's not alone. She's making out with the guy who played Robocop in the 90's tv series. Bet you wish you didn't remember that existed. 

Robocop carries her across the threshold into the house and they get ready to bone down. Peggy doesn't want to do it in a bed, she wants it somewhere special and perfect: the couch. Charles creeps downstairs and watches from afar.  

This isn't timid popping my cherry for my perfectly special perfect first time sex. She gets it real rough and tumble. She's clawing his back so hard it almost bleeds as she's getting taken on a one way trip to pound town. Once they're done she says their love is perfectly complete and they made a little baby. A baby girl. She says love should always remain passionate, but time sours it and the passion cools. But that's not gonna happen, it's gonna stay preserved exactly as it is now. 

Time won't spoil it, because she just grabbed the ax from above the fireplace and Robocop is fucking dead. Charles runs at Peggy to try to stop her, but he runs right through her. I know what you're thinking: no, he's not a ghost. The other two are. Sort of. You see, Peggy calls him Allen, which Charles recognizes as the name of Peggy's father who died before she was born. He realizes it's not Peggy, but Peggy's mom, and she killed her husband on her wedding night in the same house, the night Peggy was conceived.  

He shouts himself awake and Peggy consoles him as he tells her about his dream. 

BUT THE WACKY TWIST ENDING IS 

Yes it was a dream, but that's exactly what happened on her wedding night. Peggy's mom killed her dad with an ax on their wedding night, and Peggy reveals the ax and tells him she wants the same perfect love her mother had. 

In a panic he lets her know they never had a perfect love and all he wanted was her money. She refuses to believe it and he grabs the gun off the table and admits he was going to kill her, blame a burglar, and take all the inheritance money. She insists he didn't do it because after they fucked he decided it was perfect and wonderful and perfect and he really loved her and he won't kill her now. He pulls the trigger and nothing happens. The bullets had been placed neatly on the nightstand in a straight line. She axes the fucking shit out of him. 

THEY'RE ALL GONNA LAUGH AT YOU 

Peggy's aunt picks her up the next morning and they talk about her future daughter. They say how one day her little girl will do the same thing she did, her mom did, and so on. Ugh. 

God I hated this episode. When you actually think about it the stuff like the missing key, not being able to read a map, the room being ready, her reaction to the ax, the story is pretty well put together. I just hated the process of actually watching it. It's fine and all that there's some clever bits of foreshadowing, but I didn't give a shit what it was hinting at because all I can see is her rambling about a perfect night for a half hour.

There's one bright spot, though. At the very end of the episode, the Crypt Keeper puts on a top hat for literally no reason and after he tells the pun from the top of the page he laughs so hard the hat falls off as it fades to black. It looks like it was a complete accident but they just said "fuck it" and went with it. 

That's an extra star because it made me giggle like an idiot. I am learning something, though. If all of the puns are terrible, the episode probably sucks. It's like they film the Crypt Keeper scenes last and when they know the episode is shit they don't bother wasting any good puns on it. 

2/5


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