The Evil Dead - One By One We Will Take You

The Evil Dead (1981)

Directed by: Sam Raimi 

Starring: Bruce Campbell and 4 other people 

Release date: October 15, 1981

Running time: 85 minutes

I wanted to change it up and do some horror. I had a lot of series I could do: the obvious big slasher ones like Halloween, Friday, and Nightmare. As I was going down my DVD shelf I spotted the Evil Dead series and realized I had never seen a single one of them. I own 5 Wrong Turns and the fucking direct to DVD third installment of the “I Know What You Did Last Summer” franchise but I’d never seen a single Evil Dead movie start to finish. This makes me an asshole. 

This particular review is going to have a lot more “behind the scenes” stuff usual. I’m not trying to turn this into an IMDb trivia page, but anyone whose seen this movie knows how god damn ridiculous making it was, and for people like me who have never gotten around to watching it, it’s interesting to know how these 5 nobodies and a 20 year old with no money made a cheap movie in the middle of nowhere that went on to become one of the most influential horror movies ever.

This review is spoiler filled so if you haven’t seen it yet…

Watch this movie if: You don't want to be like me and be called a stupid piece of shit for not seeing it yet. 

Tales from the Crypt - Collection Completed (Season 1, Episode 6)

Collection Completed

Season 1 - Episode 6

from Vault of Horror #25

Aired June 28, 1989
Directed by Mary Lambert

Worst pun: "I want all of you to sit, stay, play dead. Good boy" 

Every retiree needs a pet project. So Jonas takes up taxidermy, turning the many pets his wife Anita dotes upon into a stuffed menagerie. Sit still. Don't move. This one will leave you in stitches!

Escape from New York - Are You A Bad Enough Dude to Rescue the President?

Escape from New York (1981)

Directed by: John Carpenter

Starring: Kurt Russell, Lee Van Cleef, Ernest Borgnine, Donald Pleasence, Isaac Hayes

Release date: July 10, 1981

Running time: 99 minutes

I had so much fun revisiting Big Trouble in Little China but I couldn't think of what to do next. I'll have done is action so far, and I've got a bookshelf filled with God awful horror movies just waiting for me to waste my time watching. Then I noticed this sitting on the shelf and realized I hadn't seen it in so long I barely remembered any of it. I'm so happy I took the time to revisit it because it's every bit as ridiculous as I remember.  

This review is spoiler filled so if you haven’t seen it yet…

Watch this movie if: You want to see Kurt Russell infiltrate a prison island to rescue President Dr. Loomis from Chef.

Tales from the Crypt - Lover Come Hack to Me (Season 1, Episode 5)

Lover Come Hack to Me

Season 1 - Episode 5

from Haunt of Fear #19

Aired June 21, 1989
Directed by Tom Holland

Worst pun: "Open her closet door and see if any family secrets fall out. Beware of skeletons...unless they're yours truly." 

Her stocks, bonds, house: Charles loves everything about Peggy and wants to make sure their honeymoon is a night of (murderous) passions. But there's a family secret Peggy never told him...

Tales from the Crypt - Only Sin Deep (Season 1, Episode 4)

Only Sin Deep

Season 1 - Episode 4

from Haunt of Fear #24

Aired June 14, 1989
Directed by Howard Deutch

Worst pun: "Beauty is only sin deep" Yeah I know it's the title, there's not a lot to work with this week. 

A call girl plans to land a rich playboy and pawns her beauty in order to dress to impress. What? She misunderstands the pawnshop's refund offer? Too late to read between the lines (and wrinkles), girlie!

Big Trouble in Little China - Everybody Relax, I'm Here

Big Trouble in Little China (1986)

Directed by: John Carpenter

Starring: Kurt Russell, Kim Cattrall, Dennis Dun, James Hong, Victor Wong

Release date: July 2, 1986

Running time: 99 minutes

Number of "Ancient Chinese secret, huh" jokes in here: 0. I'm pretty proud of myself. 

When it comes to a director-actor pair that made a string of amazing movies that made literally no money, there isn't a better pair than John Carpenter and Kurt Russell. This is one of those movies that's great to use as a barometer for someone's taste. If you watch it and don't enjoy it, you can just delete my number out of your phone because you're essentially dead to me. Life is short, and I won't waste a second on it on someone who doesn't love Jack Burton. 

This review is spoiler filled so if you haven’t seen it yet…

Watch this movie if: You want to see Kurt Russell. That's all I'm putting here. If you don't want to see Kurt Russell then feel free to see yourself out, the door is behind you. 

Tales from the Crypt - Dig That Cat… He's Real Gone (Season 1, Episode 3)

Dig That Cat...He's Real Gone

Season 1 - Episode 3

from Haunt of Fear #21

Aired June 10, 1989
Directed by Richard Donner

Worst pun: Sit down kids, it's a fucking DOOZY: "Dying for Dollars could have been a popular game show. They could have put it in between Wheel of Misfortune and the Newly Dead game. Unless they buried it in the wrong time slot."

Shoot him, drown him, hang him, zap him with a kajillion volts - hey, it's a living. A man who receives a surgical graft of a cat's nine lives becomes a carnival sensation with his dying act.