Wonder Woman
June 2, 2017
June 2, 2017
Director: Patty Jenkins
Starring: Gal Gadot, Chris Pine, Lucy Davis, Connie Nielsen, Robin Wright, Lisa Loven Kongsli
I'm not going to say "I told you so" about Gal Gadot being one of the standouts of BVS because, well, I didn't tell you so. I didn't think the casting would work right up until the moment she came arrived on screen in the climactic battle in full uniform with her theme music blaring. It was pretty fantastic. Giselse from Fast and Furious stole the show from Batman and Superman and got me excited for a Wonder Woman solo film. What a time to be alive.
The first female-led superhero movie of the modern era. I don't have a snarky comment, that's just cool and long overdue. More importantly than that, all signs point to this being a breath of fresh air in the world of silly cape movies for babies. Warner Bros. aren't forcing her into modern day so at some point in the film she can take a 20 minute detour from the plot to talk to Bruce Wayne about Mother Boxes or metahumans or whatever. It's set in World War 1, an era rarely covered in any medium, much less in movies about super humans in silly costumes. God bless them for embracing it; ten years ago that script gets ripped in half and she spends the movie ogling after Superman and his big muscles. Just kidding, ten years ago that script gets thrown in the trash before you can say "invisible plane."
Justice League
November 17, 2017
Director: Zack Snyder
Starring: Ben Affleck, Henry Cavill, Gal Gadot, Ezra Miller, Jason Momoa, Ray Fisher, Amy Adams, Jesse Eisenberg, Jeremy Irons, J. K. Simmons, Amber Heard, Willem Dafoe
I'm going to be up front with you, Constant Reader. I'm not the biggest fan of DC's first two entries in the DCEU. It's cool if you love them, I'm not going to try to convince you you're wrong for liking a different movie than me. Regardless, I respect their refusal to succumb to fan backlash. When BVS reviews hit and that picture of sad Ben Affleck appeared, I thought right then and there that was the end of Zack Snyder running this show. DC don't give a fuck. He's doing part 1 and 2 - yeah, we're still doing 2 movies. We're declaring part 2 before part 1 is even filmed. It took a 3 hour cut and an unnecessary R rating for Batman v Superman to be watchable, and that movie has a piss jar. Did they hire someone else? Back a dump truck full of money to a big name director's door and have him sort through this mess? Ask J.J. Abrams to work that reboot magic? Nope, fuck you and your petitions, Visionary Mastermind Zack Snyder is going to mold your dreams of the Justice League like a grey, melancholy ball of clay. Dig your heels in and tell the audience they're wrong, it doesn't matter you're gonna make a billion dollars regardless.
Oh right, the movie. It's not Darkseid just yet. Batman and Wonder Woman assemble a team of meta humans to face Steppenwolf, Darkseid's uncle. You know when I say it like that it sounds silly. There are Mother Boxes, Amazons, Atlanteans, and guys in bat suits. I know approximately four of those words. Here's hoping they promote it to be similar in tone to BVS and then the movie itself is 2 and a half hours of insane Jack Kirby New Gods nonsense. Just go all in with the absurdity, it's not like you're not gonna reboot all this in 5 years anyways.
Aquaman
December 21, 2018
Director: James Wan
Starring: Jason Momoa, Patrick Wilson will probably find his way here
All of my friends (read: my dog and his toys) keep blowing this movie off. Of course Aquaman is silly. Sure the only memorable role I've seen from Momoa so far in his career was just him grunting, fucking, and killing. No, I do not have any interest in what's going on underwater when we're between Justice League movies waiting for a team of heroes to fight a space God. All that may be true, but I'll be damned if I'm not excited to see James Wan's style applied to a world entirely of his creation. There's expectations for what Gotham and Metropolis look like. There aren't going to be any curve balls there. Wan can do whatever he wants with Atlantis, and at the very least it will be a gorgeous movie.
He has a way with utilizing long, slow zooms that drag on and on until you want to rip your hair out from stress that ultimately culminate in a big jump scare that rattles me to my core. The potential of that used in conjunction with the terrors of the undiscovered corners of the ocean floor have created a singular type of horror that my brain hadn't conceived of until now. It could either be a silly, self-aware Guardians of the Galaxy style Summer blockbuster or a fucking nightmare. Or it could just be ok.
Shazam
April 5, 2019
TBA
Starring: The Rock. Nothing else matters.
There's literally nothing about Shazam that's been announced other than the day it's coming out and the fact that The Rock is in it. You guys. You. Guys. The Rock is a god damned super villain. THE ROCK COULD POTENTIALLY FIGHT SUPERMAN.
Everything is beautiful and nothing hurts.
Justice League II: The Legend of Booster's Gold
June 14, 2019 (There is a 1000% chance this gets pushed back)
Director: Zack Snyder
Starring: Everyone
I'm exhausted just thinking about it. Almost definitely going to be Darkseid, and a whole lot of shit is going to get destroyed. It's way too early to predict anything, but I'm gonna put all my chips in the "90's Superman after he comes back from the dead with a black suit and a mullet" basket.
I have 3 years to harness my chi and telepathically will this idea into existence, so joins hands with me and focus your third eye, we have nary a second to waste.
Cyborg
I don't know what's going on at DC but they refuse to stop trying to make Cyborg happen. I don't have anything against him, but whenever I look at Cyborg I just see Not Martian Manhunter. That's all I want. Maybe it's unfair to Cyborg, but I want a shape shifting alien God telepath monster who can walk through walls but has a panic attack when someone lights a match.
On the plus side, this could lead to a Teen Titans movie, which I am all for. A live action cartoon-faithful Raven might send me through five puberties.
Green Lantern Corps
July 24, 2020
TBA
Remember what I said about respecting how ballsy DC is? The Ryan Reynolds Green Lantern movie was supposed to serve as DC's Iron Man and launch their own shared universe and it tanked so badly that they had to completely abandon it and start over. Well guess what, we're doing it again baby. I respect not only announcing you're doing it, but scheduling it for 2020. We might all be dead by then, but it's etched in stone: Green Lantern, Take 2. Either we all die in the race wars or you watch space cops with magic rings and love every frame of it.
Early rumors say it's going to be a space buddy cop movie with John Stewart and Hal Jordan. That didn't really do anything for me, and then someone else repeated the exact same sentiment but phrased it as Lethal Weapon in Space and now I'm ready to throw money at the screen.
Early rumors say it's going to be a space buddy cop movie with John Stewart and Hal Jordan. That didn't really do anything for me, and then someone else repeated the exact same sentiment but phrased it as Lethal Weapon in Space and now I'm ready to throw money at the screen.
I know Mel Gibson and Danny Glover are too old for this shit, but I would give anything to watch Mel Gibson pretend he's using a magic ring to create a giant green train. Ok if they won't work I will settle for Mac and Dennis from Always Sunny doing their impressions of Riggs and Murtaugh doing impressions of Green Lanterns.
The blackface will be very tasteful.
***
Here's some stuff that's announced but don't have a release date
***
The Batman
Director: Matt Reeves
Starring: Ben Affleck, maybe Joe Manganiello but even he isn't sure anymore
The second Ben Affleck was announced as Batman I began clinging to the hope that he would ultimately end up directing Batman movies. That was a fun 2 weeks before that ship sailed. Matt Reeves is taking over and, as is DC tradition, a complete script rewrite is soon to follow. It'll probably be another year before we get much word on this because Reeves is busy with WAR FOR THE PLANET OF THE APES.
After DAWN OF THE PLANET OF THE APES and what I've seen of WAR, I'm more excited for the potential of a Reeves directed Dark Knight movie than Justice League if we're being honest. I'm going to spend the next 2 years tormenting myself with potential storylines they could adapt and I know it's only going to lead to disappointment - it always does. I'm going to map out a Red Hood movie in intricate detail, complete with my ideal cast, and they're going to announce it's a fucking origin story.
I just hope he works in another flashback of Bruce's parents dying.
The Flash
Director: Who the fuck knows
Starring: Ezra Miller, hopefully a giant CGI Gorilla
I'll be real with you: THE FLASH is a shitshow. This was supposed to be done and in theaters in 2018. As of early April 2017, there is no director and the script is undergoing a page-one rewrite. So yeah, everything is going great.
There's not much info just yet. I don't know why it's completely separate from the CW show, but if it means not having to binge through 4 seasons on Netflix then I won't complain. I'm sure The Flash is fine and I bet the Arrow crossovers are wonderful, but I only have so much time on Earth.
Ezra Miller is Barry Allen, which means something to a lot of you but I've never read a Flash comic in my life. There's no plot details or anything, so I'm gonna forego conventional wisdom and keep my fingers crossed for Gorilla Grodd. Or Mark Hamill as The Trickster. Or both.
Good news, though. The producer whose name I can't be bothered to look up said that both this and Aquaman take place after Justice League 1, so neither are origin stories. It's going to be awesome when they don't explain how or why he can run through time.
Man of Steel 2
Director: maybe Matthew Vaughn
Matthew Vaughn is known for fun movies, so I'm not sure what he's doing in the DCEU. FOLKS,
Seriously though I hope they go bugnuts crazy with it. At this point you've brought all your heroes together and defeated a God. Ditch the moody melodrama and get silly. Tell me why we shouldn't get a 200 million dollar movie about Bizarro. Who says no?
I'll also accept a faithful adaptation of the Superman Lives script. With Nic Cage. He deserves it, and more importantly we deserve it.
Gotham City Sirens
David Ayer is directing this, because one shitty Harley Quinn movie wasn't enough for him. Miss Quinzel will team up with other female DC villains. Nothing is official, but it's a pretty safe bet that it'll be Catwoman and Poison Ivy. It's not official whether or not this is replacing the Harley Quinn solo movie, but if there's a God it will be. My heart can only take so many Harley Halloween costumes.
Dark Universe
You might know it better as Justice League Dark. We were so close to Guillermo del Toro directing this. We almost had del Toro making a movie with Swamp Thing in it. It was RIGHT THERE.
Basically this will be a bunch of supernatural DC characters liek Swamp Thing, Zatanna, Constantine, etc. It's being directed by Doug Liman of Edge of Tomorrow/Live.Die.Repeat. fame.
Black Adam
Why? Because why learn from your mistakes? Just keep announcing shit that has no reason to exist. Shazam doesn't have a director, nor an actor to even play the titular charactter, but fuck it. The Rock is already under contract, so let's milk two movies out of this cash cow.
Nightwing
We can't even get a Batman movie made, but we're gonna announce Nightwing. What the fuck ever. It's being written by Bill Dubuque (THE ACCOUNTANT) and directed by Chris McKay (THE LEGO BATMAN). No other details, so look forward to 18 months of OUR TOP 17 PICKS TO PLAY NIGHTWING.
Batgirl
I swear to God, 4 different Batman movies are going to come out in one year and ruin the character for me forever. Joss Whedon is in talks to write, direct, and produce it because why let him work on original ideas when he can do this I guess. No casting, no release date, yadda yadda yadda. You know the drill. Rumors are it's based on Gail Simone's New 52 version of the character, but I stopped reading the New 52 after every Batman title was part of a tie in story arc that ended in an unsatisfying fashion. Here's hoping they don't do The Killing Joke.
Suicide Squad sequel
God is dead.
It's being written by the writer of THE LEGEND OF TARZAN for some reason, and Warner Bros is courting Danny Espinosa, Ruben Fleischer, Jonathan Levine, and....Mel Gibson? What the fuckin-whatever. It can't be worse than the original.
Deadshot
Will Smith is already under contract, and we all know by now that DC is about coulda, not shoulda
Blue Beetle and Booster Gold
A buddy cop movie, you say? Ok take everything I said about Green Lantern and put it here instead. Including the blackface. Especially the blackface.
Sandman
Please God no just leave it alone. It's never going to be good enough, just leave it be.
Lobo
I am absolutely terrified it's going to try too hard to do what Deadpool did and be a horribly embarrassing tryhard mess. I'm nervous that Lobo is the type of character that won't work on the big screen, but I said the same thing about Deadpool so what do I know?
It's being written by Jason Fuchs, co-writer of WONDER WOMAN and...writer of ICE AGE: CONTINENTAL DRIFT.
I hate my life.
All of those are fine, whatever, but I will not rest until I get my Batman Beyond movie. Kevin Conroy is old enough to play old man Bruce and I'm sure there's some 20 year old in Maze Runner or Divergent or some shit that can play Terry McGinnis. You bring in a bunch of young heroes and you've got a new Justice League and son of a bitch I'm locked in for another decade.
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