kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me
I’ve
produced two reviews for three movies thus far on this website, and
the Terrible Blog brand has never been stronger. For such a small
enterprise (we only have Mr. Pataki, myself and a web guru who never
seems to show up to the office), we’ve been very successful lately
and one can naturally attribute that to the strength of our content.
Combine that with the natural love and goodwill toward men that one
feels during the holiday season, and you’ve got a positively cheery
atmosphere around the Terrible Office. Mr. Pataki’s abuse has cut
down significantly; the worst thing he’s done all month is describe
my thighs as “milky”.
All
that came to an end, however, when I was given the assignment of
reviewing “Grumpy Cat's Worst Christmas Ever”. I’ll never
forget the look
on Mr. Pataki’s mug as he laughed that little high pitched titter
he gives me whenever I’m subjected to shame and humiliation at his
behest. I don’t get it; I’ve been a good boy this whole year and
I’m constantly getting shit on for it. This feels like the movie I
should have reviewed after a year of work, the sort of thing that
drives me absolutely insane so I could get a two week sabbatical. I
swear this movie
had to have been a throwaway joke from Idiocracy.
First,
a modicum of background before the execution: Grumpy Cat is a real
cat, whose
slave name is “Tardar[sic] Sauce”. Ms. Sauce has a slight
underbite and dwarfism, so that’s why she looks grumpy all the
time. See, there’s this feeling that maybe the reason T. Sauce is
so grumpy all the time is because she’s forced to pose for asinine
pictures and photo opportunities (visit the truly odious
grumpycats.com for examples of this). However, upon realizing that T.
Sauce has the equivalent of resting bitch face, it becomes pretty
comical to realize she’s just sitting there, oblivious to what
people are doing. It’s kind of amazing…and then kind of sad when
you sit there thinking about it too long. To cheer yourself up, why
not consider buying a pair of Grumpy Cat socks? How about a Grumpy
Cat turkey baster? Perhaps a Grumpy Cat pair of assless chaps?
 |
| This is literally a scene from the movie. |
Anyway, Ms. Sauce's frankly inexplicable and mildly ludicrous popularity led to a stupid movie being made. Not just any movie, though: they went out of their way to cast Aubrey Plaza (Parks and Recreation) as Grumpy Cat's voice. Actually, it's debatable as to who's the bigger star here: Plaza or Grumpy Cat. I'm pretty sure the latter gets top billing. Ordinarily I’m one to blame the director or writer(s) for a movie’s poor execution, but this is the first time I’ve had reasonable cause to say the lead actor/actress is responsible for the movie being a miserable pile of excrement.
As
soon as I heard Plaza’s voice and saw Grumpy Cat, I knew something
was seriously wrong here. There’s nothing wrong with deadpan humor;
it’s often hilarious, but it just doesn’t work in this film.
Actually, maybe that’s erroneous. It’s more like Plaza is the
problem. I’ve watched a handful of episodes of Parks and Rec, and I
liked what I saw from her character. Her deadpan delivery makes sense
there. Here, it’s simply not funny in the slightest, especially
because her tone isn’t very consistent, nor does it match the
character’s face. Worst of all, the jokes just aren’t funny.
Again, this is usually the writer’s fault, but upon looking on the
ol’ Wikipedia, it becomes increasingly apparent that this is all
Plaza’s fault.
 |
| Well. |
Mystery
Science Theater 3000 indeed.
MST3K is my favorite show of all time; those episodes and characters
have had a major effect on my sense of humor, and it’s a show that
always cheers me up when I’m feeling down (i.e., all the time). The
writers were called Best Brains for a reason; they were comprised of
an assortment of astoundingly brilliant, quick-witted minds that
possessed not only a vast array of general knowledge, but also
perfect comedic timing in a sort of inimitable-Minnesota, folksy
oeuvre. With all due to respect to Plaza, she doesn’t know the
first thing about MST3K. In fact, I’m willing to postulate that
she’s simply not a funny person. There’s really no other way to
explain how every single line she groans falls completely flat,
besides the movie being tripe. I can already hear the fans of Parks
and Rec, braying like jackasses, telling me to relax, it’s just
Plaza’s shtick, this is how she makes her bread, etc. That doesn’t
fly, though. There is nothing
in this movie to convince any sentient viewer that Plaza has even a
passing acquaintance with comedy.
Grumpy
Cat lives in a pet shop in a mall, and no one wants her because she’s
sooo grumpy. There’s this awful sequence where Grumpy Cat’s fame
is paraded in front of the audience, followed by some other
irrelevant memes. It serves absolutely no purpose other than to
shriek “LOOK WE’RE SELF-AWARE AND THAT MEANS WE’RE TOTALLY NOT
EMBARRASSED
THAT WE MADE THIS MOVIE”. This movie can only be categorized as an
endurance test. I’ve turned it off thrice thus far after being
completely disgusted, but I don’t have time to review every
Rankin-Bass movie. On with the Sisyphean
punishment
of watching this horrible, horrible flick.
For
my past two reviews I wrote several pages describing practically
every scene of some pretty ridiculous plots, but I’m not going to
do that here. I wouldn’t be able to even if I wanted; there’s no
detail worth remembering or recounting.
Actually, I take that back; maybe telling you exactly what happened
to me will be like describing the face of an attacker in a shady
alley to a sketch artist. There’s a little girl who’s having
trouble making friends at a new school, she gets a magic coin that
lets her talk to Grumpy Cat, all the animals have annoying voice
overs, there’s these two wannabe rockstars that are loud and
irritating, a million dollar dog, there’s a trio of middle school
girls who are needlessly mean-spirited in the same way Biblical
antagonists are unreasonably cruel, a completely irrelevant Christmas
party; the whole thing’s a conglomeration of pain and suffering.
 |
| COR BLOIMEY YOU FUCKIN WANKAH WOT U THINK YOR LOOKIN AT OI'LL 'OOK U ROIGHT IN TEH GABBAH BRUV SWEAR ON ME GRAM'S GRAVE |
I
can think of no one who could find this movie even remotely
entertaining. Plaza acts with about as much feeling as a fresh-frozen
stalk of asparagus. Her asinine “comedic” interruptions would
leave a hyena mute. Her performance gives failure a bad name. She’s
got a diarrhea of words but a constipation of jokes. She’s got
about as much appeal as a Supreme Court decision. Every single
sickness-inducing syllable she says makes me want to impale myself on
a weathervane. If you watched this and liked it, or even comprehended
it, then I don’t get you. I don’t want
to get you. Watching this movie is like dying slowly. There’s not a
single funny microsecond in the whole movie. Plaza doesn’t even
speak in a monotone as much as whine, and what makes it so much worse
is she isn’t even the most annoying character in the movie. I’d
have pity on those responsible for editing this piece of garbage but
for the fact that they signed up for this, knowing this was the
Grumpy Cat movie. I seriously regret watching even five seconds of
this movie, knowing that I could have been reviewing the Lucky Star
Advent Special.
On second thought, maybe I should count my
blessings during the holidays. Merry Christmas.
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